oh, do be careful little mouths what you say.

  Being called out is never easy.  And, if you have never been confronted by someone the chances are you do not have very honest, courageous friends.  Because, you are not perfect & you have hurt someone.  That's just the truth.

I feel so blessed to be diving into friendships that are already marked by honesty.

  Josh & I recently had dinner with some friends & the spotlight narrowed on me as I was called out for having a tone that can be harsh & judgmental.  This broke my heart.  The topic of which my harshness was coming out was things I am passionate about...  And, my passion came off as intense, but not in an inviting, jump in, & join me kind of way.  And, when your passions are prayer, adoption, serving the widows, & The Gospel you don't want to turn people away because your intensity is harsh.

I was so grateful for their honesty.  Of course it's hard to hear because who wants to be that person? 

  This wasn't the first time I have been encouraged to watch my words.  I grew up with a very quick mouth when it came to mine & my Mother's relationship.  She used to say, "You talk to strangers nicer than you speak to me!"  I would disregard her with thoughts about how all my friends did not get along with their Moms so it was natural.  Deep down, my heart would break just as it did around the dinner table last week.  Even now I have to remember that God's grace is poured over my past; because, I still hate how I spoke to the woman who grew me, labored for me, held me for countless hours, & loved me with such a fierce tenderness, the way Mamas do.

"Death & life are in the power of the tongue & those who love it will eat its fruits." 

Proverbs 18:21

  It's true.  We hold the power, the privilege, to speak life over someone or death.  To give them fuel for their heart, or toxins making it weak. We can be a breath of fresh air or choke them.  I have no doubt, reader, that you have experienced both.  You know the sting of hurtful words as well as the splendor of sweet words.  

I have a lovely friend who works full time, volunteers many hours to our church, is studying for CPA exams, & is a single mother to a quick witted 6 year old girl who once convinced my husband she was 10.  This friend juggles a lot, & by the grace of God does it very well.  She has come into my life with a fire, passion, voice, & intensity that I am SO grateful for.  As you can imagine, when someone holds all those attributes, she is the type to tell you exactly what they are thinking.  She shares openly & I am beyond blessed by this friendship marked, again, by raw honesty.

Late the other night, she shared how hard it is for her to hear married women complain about their husbands.  Being a single Mom, wearing many different hats, she often brings a new perspective to my world 

I know I am guilty of complaining about Josh, things he does or doesn't do.  I get agitated as he does the dishes a way I would not, or doesn't compliment me in just the right way about the outfit I spent so long picking out to look good for him.

Now then, I know that sometimes, especially as women, we feel the need to get things off our chest, to verbalize, word vomit, or vent about life.  And, as soon as that word vomit is done, we are healed from the weight of that agitation.  Or so we think. 

"Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear." Ephesians 4:29

“.... that it may give grace to those who hear."   If I truly lived by this verse, & held close the truth that my words can be poison, then the complaints about my husband, even if they are trivial and seemingly harmless, would cease.

As my dear friend shared the other night how hard it is for her to hear married women complain, my first thoughts were of defense. I know what it's like to be married, to mesh my life with another sinful human, & that perfect harmony is sometimes short-lived, hard to attain, & other times just completely out of reach. 

As she continued sharing, I prayed for God to give me ears to hear Him speak through her openness...  My heart softened.  This was another one of those heart breaking, wanting to disappear from the dinner table, kind of moments. 

Because, even as we are venting about something as small as how he does the dishes "wrong" or took too long of a shower, we are missing the blessing that we have a "he" to speak of.  We are missing the opportunity to speak life in a decaying world.  We are missing a chance to come on bended knees before Jesus, sharing with Him the ugliness in our own heart that was disturbed by something as petty as dishes.   We are missing a chance to be gracious with our husbands, & life giving to the ears listening.  I cannot imagine what Jesus, the One who knows my every thought, would vent about me if He were small enough to.... I am so grateful He does not.

[Note: there are certain situations that do need to be shared. if your husband is abusing you, bravely share. there is a difference in sharing a struggle of spousal abuse and complaining about dishes.] 

 

"But now you must put them all away: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk from your mouth." Colossians 3:8

  I am grateful for these friendships; for honesty audaciously marching in my quick-mouthed, intense-talking, and fiery little self & bringing Jesus in so tenderly. 

"May my steps be worship, May my thoughts be praise, May my words bring honor to Your Name."

So. Forgive me, please, if my words have brought toxins to your heart of hearts, if my invitations made you feel guilty, or if you heard me complain about the man of my dreams whom I am SO blessed by.

May we all share words that share Jesus.  Share words of light, as this world is already overflowing with intense darkness.  May your words inspire, praise God, & be honey on your lips.  May we all realize that we carry the power to hurt a human-beating-heart by our words, along with the privilege to heal it by our words.  

Speak softly & live loudly today. 

back to that "adoption process" topic:

Every time I begin a blog, I feel the need to tell you what is going on in my house... so that it's like you are really sitting here with me & I am sharing my heart!

So.  The dishwasher is humming a lovely tune, my sink is sparkling, a new candle smell floats around, the sun is peaking in the front windows, meaning it is almost noon, & my little guy is down for a nap-- booty up, face down, fast asleep.  The house is far from "clean" & "picked up" but, that can be done later....ish... not now.

Welcome!  Put up your feet.  Grab some... er... there isn't any coffee this morning. Pour yourself a glass of OJ, & dilute it with water so it will last longer.

A couple of weeks ago I shared our heart for adoption. I labelled that as our "Phase Two", where we actually went to a formal meeting to hear how one particular ministry is doing things. There are so many different paths to choose-- domestic, international, newborn, foster care, christian organization, or state run, etc... This "phase two" is a weighty one as there are countless ways to go!  Praise the Lord for that.

Josh & I are still establishing US.  We are just getting our feet back under us from a year of chaos, character defining chaos.  But, we itch.  We yearn.  We strive for more.  We truly want to live this life as Jesus did.  We really love the orphans.  Our hearts break for them, & I want them all in my home TONIGHT.  I want to hug them, read them stories, rub their little feet, get up in the middle of the night & let them know their cry is heard!  
As we are establishing our family here in Chattanooga, there are some other big decisions we need to make as a family.  Like, where do we move to when this lease is up?  Do we want to buy a home? What size of a home?  Should we get a cheap apartment & save up for a larger downpayment?
Is it irresponsible to bring another kid into the mix when we don't have it all figured out?  Should we have a home purchased before we go through home studies?  If we dove in right now, we would have a home study done on this house & then later on a new house... is that financially wise, as those cost real dollars?

As we continue through Phase Two, we realize Phase Two has a lot of questions.  
Is there wisdom in being cautious, or is there beauty in leaping forward, full of faith, trusting God will connect the dots we are feeling a tad hesitant to.  I think both hold big truths.

I will say this.  If student loans were not ridiculously absurd, we would pull the trigger.  Yesterday.  It is just a tad nerve-wracking to put another little soul into a "mess" we are cleaning up.  Last year's craziness threw a lot of order into complete disorder.

I do believe this, that God knows the name, face, handprint, eye color, & story of some child-- born or unborn that we will, by His grace, welcome into our arms as family.  It does not have to happen tomorrow.  And, it won't happen tomorrow.

Sometimes I am hard on myself for the ball to not have rolled further along, as my heart really does ache for this... but, we are merely at the year & a half mark of marriage, with a 13 month old, & eight months living in a new state.  It's okay for this to go a little slower.... Perhaps the ball not rolling, is God holding us when He knows we need stability, & a slower moving river.

So, if you will... pray. Pray for discernment.  Pray for wisdom.  Pray for things to fall in place.  Pray for finances to be last on our list of worries.  Pray for that baby.  Pray for God to mold us, to ready us, to guide us into a deeper love with each other, so we can reveal His Truth in our marriage & be parents that direct our children's eyes to His Love!  

In a nutshell, that's where we are with this.  Still in Phase Two.  Still talking about it all the time, & dreaming of what it would be like.  Still researching different agencies.  Talking about the pros & cons of purchasing a home now, or waiting another year.  A lot is still up in the air, & I cannot tell you when those things floating up in air, will be grounded.

I cannot wait for the day that we get to share Phase Three!!  But for now, I will be all here.  Right where I am. Resting & trusting that Jesus will provide answers & direction for this.  I wouldn't want to do it without His map.

Jehovah-Jireh.

Hope you enjoyed that watered down OJ & a bit of my heart.
Today's waiting.... 

one mile/day at a time.

Yesterday was exhilarating, inspiring, exhausting, & FUN.

Josh & I did the Rock Creek 11 Mile Stump Jump, a trail run that also offers a 50k option.
The night before, we were soooo grateful for Asher's Chattanooga Grandma, Dodie, taking him & passing him off to our friend Megan Saturday afternoon.

(All of our dates for the past months have been spent on trails, as our jogging stroller doesn't handle the terrain very well. So, this was another date, on trails.  We love it.)

  Trail running is it's own kind of beast.  It is unpredictable & unforgiving. (This is what makes it the perfect love/hate relationship.)  You're miles into the middle of beauty not everyone sees; which, being miles out makes bowing out of the race almost impossible.  You would have to at least hike to the nearest aid station, & chances are, they hiked out to put that aid station there.
There are times you feel completely alone & it is inspiring... it's a break from hearing the person behind you breathing easy as you pant along, discouraging, yet pushing, your every step.
Then, there are moments of being alone & you are desperate for another runner to be that motivation, as you are dreading the upcoming hill.

I was so grateful at mile 5 to be with a group when there was a dead stop on the trail. Yellow jackets were furiously stinging runners who ventured down their path.  So, we bushwhacked through waist high thorn bushes, fallen trees, & the unknown to ignore these monsters.  The girl in front of me & guy behind me both were stung multiple times!  And, if you know me... I am NOT a fan of bushwhacking. I am not a fan of the unknown.  I want to see where my feet are landing. Mile 5 marked coming together with "opponents" to face, together, a challenge I could not have done alone.

After that, my whole "game" was thrown off. Up to that point I had a plan.  I was coaching myself through hard climbs & intense downhills.  For whatever reason, I just could not get back my competitive nature.  Leading up to mile 5 I had been focusing on closing gaps & picking off whoever was in front of me.  I was counting girls as I passed them because I knew I could break a 1:50:00 time!
(I didn't break that time.  More like 2:12:08.)

Around mile 6 I saw the most beautiful glass of fresh, glorious, sweet water waiting for me...... My husband!  Standing on a rock calling out to people if they had seen a runner in pink.  He was so worried about me getting through the yellow jackets that he stopped & waited.  (He was running with the top 20 pack at that point & had been stung about 20 times by the yellow monsters!)  I felt so loved.  So in love.

We finished together.  I was beyond grateful for his encouragement-- physically & emotionally. He coached me through each climb.  I love him.
Miles 8-10 were all uphill & uuuuuugly!

here we are, about 30 minutes after our run at the finish line. whoop!

I will say... We did work hard to get here. A year ago, we had just given birth at home, Josh was waiting tables, & groceries were put in our fridge by friends, family & food stamps.  It felt hopeless at times.  

I remember trying to run for the first time after giving birth... it felt how my heart did... hopeless. Like, no matter how hard I tried to gain some ground, I was always back at square one.  I wanted SO badly to retreat to the familiarity of a long run, but the heaviness of our world weighed down each step. 

When we moved to Chattanooga, for a job that demanded my husband's law degree instead of his table waiting skills, it was a breath of fresh air.... fresh mountain air, at that!  It was opportunity, inspiration, & freedom in our empty "hope bucket". 

After settling in here, I was actually able to really run again. To run without any heaviness. To enter back into a world of self-discipline, adventure, & worship that I have loved for years.  

So, we have slowly upped our mileage & can now do 13 mile runs... runs that we did not just wake up & do... we worked to get here.  We sacrificed, spent hours on trails, & prioritized runs over extravagant dinners & relaxing family time. 

We aren't up there with the 50k'ers....yet.  But to even get that kind of mileage, you have to take the first step........ or walk them, or jog.    

Don't be discouraged about where you are, or where you are not.  Trust that whatever heaviness is holding you back, if you allow it, will make you stronger.  I mean that physically, emotionally, & spiritually. 

And, hear me when I say... a job at a law firm did not change our world, faith, or hopes.  

Our trust is ultimately in Jesus.  He holds our hearts.  This world is not our home.  I do believe God lead us here, though.  I do see His handprints covering these plans.  I do believe He knew we would be here to bring honor to His name.... on trails, around our dinner table, at Enzo's Market, at the park, etc.

As we continue to put one foot in front of the other, may God be glorified... whether that be in our running shoes, work shoes, barefoot, or chacos. 

(i was 22nd overall in the women's! not the time i wanted... but, this is just race one!)

I encourage you, wherever you are, find your strength in the Truth of Jesus. And, maybe go lace up your shoes & run. 

One mile at a time///One day at a time.  You can & you will.