the things we can do

“I could NEVER do that.”

This is typically the first response when I share with someone that Josh & I live together with his parents. They don’t live with us. We don’t live with them. We live together.

Since getting married Josh & I have brewed up dreams of what we wanted our life to look like which have, typically, been pretty different than everyone around us.

I don’t say this to boast or with great pride. In all honest, most of the time I hate the fact that our dreams look so different because that makes us different. 

And different…. Different is lonely.

 

Our first months of marriage were spent living in an RV, to which many people said, “I cold NEVER do that!” But we were starry-eyed & eager to live simply & love the quirky RV community well.

Becoming pregnant shortly after getting married & several other things going down a road we didn’t plan led us out of the RV & to a rental home. Josh loved the whole tiny living situation. I loathed it & felt terribly claustrophobic. This is where we learned that if something wasn’t working for one of us, it didn’t work for both of us. We still lean on that truth when things get sticky & we can’t agree on a big choice.

Living in the RV & building relationships in this mostly Spanish speaking community was our first dream we made together & the first one we watched burn together. In the wake of watching that burn we learned a lot about each other. Prior to marriage, like most humans, we had each tasted heartache; but this was our first taste of heartache as a couple & it was incredibly bitter. You don’t just ache in your own ways, you ache for the other person, too. I felt like such a failure because I was the reason we let those dreams go.

This beginning of our marriage seemed to be the mark of what our marriage would be for years to come: lonely, disappointing, overwhelming, & hard.

On a whim & with a promising job proposal for Josh, we uprooted to Chattanooga, TN with a five month old baby boy. We did some house hunting on the 13 hour drive down & found a rental in an area we were told not to even drive through. Which for us just said, “This is exactly where you want to live to be the hands & feet of Jesus.” So, we rented a home in that neighborhood which is now a super hot spot & the definition of gentrification.  Go figure.

PS, it was a really pleasant & fun neighborhood. We loved living here! 

We knew we wanted to do communal living & anytime a person or family’s need for a place to live arose we offered up our home. It never panned out for that to happen, but we knew it was something we believed in.

We settled in to Chattanooga with super grateful hearts. Heck, it was the first time we could buy groceries without food stamps! 

Fun (okay, more like depressing) fact: When we got married we returned all the gifts that were from Target so that we could get the money back to then buy our groceries.  Soooo, thank you sweet friends who gifted us with groceries our first year of marriage by way of buying us that colander we registered for! Who needs cute picture frames & spoons anyways?!

Josh & Ash 2013

Josh & Ash 2016

Chattanooga has been so much more than I could have dreamed up for us. It’s all the things we love in an amazing city. I will forever count this move here as one of the greatest gifts!

First time climbing at Sunset Rock with a tiny boo bear! 

While Chattanooga had endless opportunities for free adventures on the trails we love, the river, the downtown life, & so on it still rang a bit lonely for me. I really struggled to develop friendships. I was a new wife & a new mom who felt very needy of a girl friend to do this all with.  

We joined a community that looked very different for Josh and me. I can’t count how many times I had a play date with a potential new friend that was cancelled last minute. He had a group of guys that met weekly & actually showed up. I opened our home time & time again for no shows & rare invitations extended in return. I was actually sat down & told that my persistency in inviting women to do things made them feel guilty & I should back down. Over & over again I kept wondering what was wrong with me that all these women would ditch the play date & my wine nights.

 It was lonely & hurtful.

Despite all of that, we pressed into this community & continued showing up. Things got easier & more women joined in & some are now my most dear friends. But those beginning years in Chatt still have a mark of lonely for me.

Then there was the crapstorm of 2015. The list of unfortunate things that happened are truly too much to recall, just trust me when I say it was bizarre how much went sour. I mean, who gets robbed three times in one year?! 

One of the major hard things was our colicky baby girl who never slept. The emotional toll that took on me, on Josh, on our marriage, on friendships was tremendous. I shared, with tears pouring & emotions bleeding out, with our community how much I was struggling. We were leaders in training at the time & I was pulled aside & told that, essentially, leaders shouldn’t be so loud about their pain & struggles.

I hated this photo when Josh took it because I felt like you could see sadness written all over my face. Now, I am glad to have such an honest photo depicting a season we grew through. 

Don't get me wrong. She brought a ton of smiles with all her screaming. Look at that grin. She had no idea! hehe. 

Since that was told to me almost 3 years ago, I have silenced a lot of me. I have allowed every post, every words I share with new friends go through a filter of “don’t be too loud or too honest!” Isn’t that sad?

2016 began a year of hope & healing, or so we imagined. But then 2016 quickly unfolded to be another year of immense struggle, loneliness, darkness, & depression. 

I had health issues that resulted in a surgery, which became several surgeries & bed rest. Josh lost his job. We ventured into a new business start up where we lost what little we had left. Another fun (depressing) fact is that you don't qualify for government assistance like food stamps when you have a home or a car. It just sucked.

The stress these things put on a marriage is enormous.  However, I fell harder in love with Josh. He carried us. Literally, carried me up our stairs after surgeries. He took care of our kids while I was in bed, while trying to find work, pay bills, sort through medical nuances, & juggle the duties of a home. He’s amazing.

Did you know that during that entire period of time I can count on one hand the people that walked up our steps, into our home, & sat with us in it all? We came from a community where we thought to of really established ourselves in other’s lives in their hard seasons. To be in the trenches of a hard season where most people disappear was devastating.

To the people who did show up, I still remember the check you wrote to help pay bills. The friend who helped dress my surgery site, shower me, & change my bed sheets, I remember. The meals that did come, I remember. The friends who live far away & texted/called, I remember. The friend who helped Josh with yard work, I remember. The friends who loaned us an air unit when ours went out, I remember. The friend who came over in the middle of the night to be with our kids as Josh rushed me to the ER, I remember. The friends who brought us bagels every Sunday, I remember. The Seventh Day Adventist Church down the street who brought us a box of groceries multiple times, I remember. That one time a few of you came to quickly pray & leave, I remember.

I remember all of these details & do not discount them & would hate for those who DID show up that year to feel like I don’t take that seriously. I do. I remember that all because you were breath in my lungs. Your generosity was Jesus, peace, love in our darkest… of course I remember.

Our parents showed up, as they always do. They showed up like an umbilical cord keeping a baby alive. They played this exact role in our first year of marriage, too. They have always been our best friends, both sets of parents. I only hope we carry on this legacy of unconditional love & sacrifice to our own children, our own neighbors, our own enemies. Their love is riveting.

How many mother-in-laws sit in bed with you & your puke bowl to play dolls with your baby girl who won't leave your side? Mine does!

I hate to harp on the negative, but it’s just the truth of my story, so here goes…

I also remember the intense loneliness & how majority of our friends never walked up our steps & into our darkest. To the friend who, with tears streaming, apologized for not coming, I remember & am so inspired by your courage to say that & feel that. 

I know it’s unique that I am able to sit with people in their pain. I get that. I get that people don’t know what to say or do & it’s awkward for them. But you have to understand & realize how much that stings… how that sting turns into a deep wound that will take years to heal. Show up, people. You think it’s uncomfortable for you? Imagine being stuck in bed for months on end because of an rectal surgery that went wrong & how coughing, moving, showering caused bleeding & unimaginable pain. That’s uncomfortable. For the sake of love, show up.

We left the church in the midst of that. That community was one we disagreed with on particular topics, but continued to join hands because we know that we can do so much more together than we can alone. It was the accumulation of it all which ushered us out the doors. And, nobody stopped us or asked us to reconsider. It honestly felt more like the doors were held open for us as we walked out.

It’s been years since my heart has felt the pain of a break up… but this felt just like that. Where you are sad because you know that other person will continue on without you. You know you won’t sit at another family meal. You see things that constantly remind you of them & hesitate to go to certain restaurants because it hurts to not be there with them. You stop listening to certain songs. 

I think one of the things that hurts the most about a break up is the crushing of the future you imagined would be. It’s a million deaths over & over.

All of that is real & makes it very hard to dive into a new one. Walls go up. Your heart is mending & space is needed from a lot of things that you once loved.

This has been Josh & I for the past 2 years. Recovering & mending our hearts.

 I feel the judgment when I answer the very southern question, “have you found a church home yet?”  Not from everyone. But from most.

I know that I, too, once put a lot of stock in the “importance” of being apart of a church. I probably asked others that same question before & had a filter of judgment they felt. I am sorry for that.

When you dress someone in judgment for not behaving how you see fit, you dress them in an outfit that will never feel worthy of your church doors. Allow them to be where they are. Trust the process of healing, of grieving, of questioning. It really isn’t ever our place to dress someone in anything but love & acceptance. Dressing another person in shame is incredibly ugly, for the both of you.

This brings be back to, “I could NEVER do THAT!”

When you have limped down the off beaten path through thickets that pierced you & scarred you deeply, you wouldn’t question inviting others in, especially those who do come in.

If Josh’s parents hadn’t agreed to uproot from Dallas to do life with us here in Chattanooga, we would have foreclosed on our home, packed up, & headed to live with one of our parents. We would have watched another dream go up in flames. They helped to preserve a dream we cherish & begin a new one together. I fear sounding dramatic, but we really have lived a lot of nightmares…. So getting to live & embrace this dream is humbling & not for a single second taken for granted.

We have been humbled over & over & over & over & over again. Things have constantly unfolded in ways we never imagined. I bet this is true for most people doing life, but we have yet to meet the couple that has walked our exact path.

 I’ve actually typed all this out several times before… But I never do anything with it because I feel like it will be judged for sharing too much, too little, offend someone, or sound whiney. 

Pain is pain. Lonely is lonely. And this is my story to tell.

I recently heard the quote from Brene Brown about the root of the word courage…

“Courage is a heart word. The root of the word courage is cor - the Latin word for heart. In one of its earliest forms, the word courage meant "To speak one's mind by telling all one's heart." Over time, this definition has changed, and today, we typically associate courage with heroic and brave deeds. But in my opinion, this definition fails to recognize the inner strength and level of commitment required for us to actually speak honestly and openly about who we are and about our experiences -- good and bad. Speaking from our hearts is what I think of as "ordinary courage.”

I have felt an urge to share a lot of this for years now & haven’t had the courage.

I also share because I want to, hopefully, encourage anyone still reading this mini novel that it’s in the hardest, darkest of seasons that we grow new muscles… You don’t trudge through valleys without some serious gains.

Those “gains” are empathy, compassion, deep joy, unshakeable peace, acceptance, humility, perspective, & love muscles. You grow stronger & able to not just do more for yourself, but do more for others. But, you cannot flex those muscles & use them sitting silent in the corner.

So yes, you could do communal/multi-generational living with your mother-in-law. You can actually do more than that. Will it be challenging? Yep. Will you cry & threaten to move out? Probably at least once.

ANYTIME you say you could never do something you are selling yourself so short. Stop saying that. You can do hard things. We can do hard things.

Love isn’t about being super duper comfortable in out wannabe pinterest homes. Love isn’t about only showing up when it’s a pot luck dinner. Love isn’t about canceling play dates because you’re too introverted. Love isn’t about labeling people in or out based on which church they attend or don’t attend. If it is… if this is what love is, it’s no wonder so many people run far away from it.

Communal living has been a lot of things. I haven’t loved every single second, hour, day, or month even. But it has brought SO much more good into our world than the challenges that come with it. I’m not here to say everyone should invite their family in to live together. As already stated, I know we do things differently. I do think we should take the time, make the space, & begin doing things that make us uncomfortable for the sake of making this world lovelier. 

In conclusion:

Dare to dream up & do bold things. Ignore the critics. It’s okay to grieve when things crash & burn because at some point, they will. Holding in the grief will eat you alive. Rebuild from the rubble with gusto & joy. Trust the process. You are stronger than you think. Don’t take any of this too seriously, except loving God, others, & yourself- take that notion very, very seriously.

Oh. And, go get some chickens. They make life so much better.

three mountains stage race!

A week ago I completed something that I had once deemed unthinkable & undoable. But, before I jump into crossing all three finish lines, all three days I have to give a bit of a back story to, hopefully, encompass how much this meant to me & why… and, hopefully, encourage someone else that moving forward when your world is crumbling is totally worth it.

A year ago I was at the beginning of a path that quickly became really dark & scary for Josh & me. I will spare you majority of details because they have great potential to make you really uncomfortable… well, they make me uncomfortable sharing with the World Wide Web. You're maybe going to think I am giving all/too many details. Believe me, this is the very condensed version.

Here’s the nutshell version: I had a surgery to relieve a spasm that was causing uncontrollable bleeding in my rectum, which came from hemorrhoids, which came from birthing my beautiful babies. I was in immense pain & could barely walk. After some procedures to help rule out the cause, I had to have surgery to do an anorectal sphincterotomy, to cut the muscle & stop the spasms & bleeding.  The first surgery was supposed to be simple & relieve that & I was told I would be back to training for the Half Ironman I had signed up for. Days after this Josh was let go from his job which was shocking, somewhat relieving, & scary as we were in the midst of huge medical bills pouring in. Somewhere in all of this I also had biopsies done because they thought this was cancer. So we also had to sit on that for a while waiting for results which was just emotionally jarring & nerve-wracking. 

this is an unfiltered picture of what i looked like majority of last year. isn't it amazing what instagram filters & facebook can do to make you believe someone's life is a cakewalk? this is the picture we didn't share. this is the behind the scenes that felt too raw & too hard to share at the time.

Weeks later I wasn’t healing & ended up in the ER after unstoppable bleeding began again. The surgeon misdiagnosed this & days later I was having a second surgery due to his mistake. Recovering from surgery, each time, was ugly. I am extremely sensitive to anesthesia  & puked a lot for several hours afterwards. It was incredibly painful & also painful to lay in a bed, barely able to move without pain, & not be who I love being- a mom, wife, friend, runner, cook, etc. I was forced to just lay & try not to throw up.

We found some type of normal in the midst of healing after this surgery, although I was still in constant pain & was assured that it was normal. Turns out it wasn’t. By God’s grace a friend directed us to doctor she grew up nannying for who specializes in this up in Birmingham, Alabama. I got to talk to him on the phone & share with him what all had happened. He said I needed to come see him the next day & prepare for another surgery later that week. 

 Saigey & me in Colorado.
"some type of normal" meant we got to do a three week trip to Colorado, New Mexico, & Texas which was the best three weeks of the entire year. :)  

So, a third surgery was scheduled, happened, & ended up finally clearing up what the other surgeon couldn’t seem to manage. The Birmingham doctor told me to prepare to wake up with a colostomy bag because he was sure what he would find was a lot of internal damage & deteriorated muscles.  The night before surgery I googled how people live active lives with colostomy bags. I couldn’t believe this was unfolding the way it was & felt incredibly helpless & angry. My husband was amazing, along with both of our parents. I cannot imagine being in his shoes through all of this... and while looking for work & taking care of two kiddos. We felt really alone, to be quite honest. Which pulled us closer together in a new, beautiful way & also showed us how important it is to show up for people. Just. Show. Up. 

Josh & I the day before the third surgery in Birmingham. 

I woke up from the third surgery, by God’s grace, without a colostomy bag!!! Truly, a miracle. This doctor was super on top of my recovery & we saw him weekly for several months. He was incredibly kind & caring & sensitive. It brings me tears just thinking about how all of that played out & so deeply thankful for a God who brings peace through good surgeons. (I actually go his Tuesday for my first appointment back this year. There’s a chance I will have to have a fourth surgery to conclude all of this, but I’m surely hoping that’s not the case!!)

August of 2016 was the last surgery. Anesthesia stays in your system for six weeks post surgery, & when you have three back to back like I did it lingers & affects your body. After the second surgery I lost around 15 pounds, then gained that & then some after the third surgery. The recovery felt like that after giving birth. I didn’t recognize myself at all. Physically or mentally. Suicidal thoughts lingered longer than I would like to admit. It was a really dark & really lonely place to be. At one point I lined up all the pain pills I had collected & was planning to swallow them all & go to sleep, with the goal of not waking up. I prayed for the Lord to make Himself known & help me. In that exact moment a text popped up from a friend asking point blank if I was struggling with suicidal thoughts. Her texting, God moving, saved my life that day. I hated it all so much & felt like such a burden to my family. A lot of healing unraveled the following weeks & I truly cannot imagine walking this life without the hope of Christ. 

By the end of September I was released to start working out again! Some friends & I held each other accountable via text to doing daily workouts & this helped build a foundation I knew I would have to have before running again.

working out again! wahoooooo!

 I got to slowly start really running again, with no pain, by January this year. In March a friend told me she was going to do the Chattanooga Three Mountains Stage Race & I jumped on board. However, after looking at the courses & really thinking about it I backed down because it just seemed like too much for me to make happen in such a short time, especially having never run more than a half marathon on road!

Fast forward a few weeks & I mentioned the idea to one of my favorite friends & running partners, Kris, who excitedly assured me I could & should do this race. This woman is a master-ultra-trail-running-record-holding-goddess-of-running-warrior-lady. But, she will never tell you that & will just shake her head “no” & smile upon reading this. She’s completed countless ultra races & is a big reason races like this happen in Chattanooga. She made me believe I could do this race. When you think of a completely out there dream & someone says they believe you can, it’s like putting gas in a car to go. I’m beyond thankful for her energetic & confident belief. J

Kris & me at the finish of day two!

With the race six weeks away I made up a training plan that Kris reviewed & helped me with. Part of me was super excited about the race & part of me was just waiting for something to go wrong & derail me from it happening. One of the biggest pieces of advice that Kris gave me was how mental longer distances in the woods are. Sure, make sure you are making the miles & elevation happen, but count your worst training runs as your best because that’s when you get to KNOW that, mentally, you CAN do this.

I spent a lot of time alone in the woods for long periods of time, which was 100% outside my comfort zone. There were a couple of times I opted for the river walk because I just didn’t want to be in the woods alone.

I will say, every single training run I finished, especially the hard ones, ended in tears of gratitude. I couldn’t believe I was actually GETTING TO do this. Last year, training for the half ironman, I never imagined I would spend most of the year lying in bed, bleeding, pulling gauze out of unimaginable places, & doped up on pain meds. You never know when life will take a rough turn… so it truly is one mile, one run, one day at a time & the sooner you realize that, the more thankful for it all you become. 

I was/am deeply grateful for EVERY single mile of training & racing these past eight weeks. Every single one is a gift I didn’t deserve but worked really hard for & am SO humbled to have under my belt.

So, last week I completed something that symbolized a lot to me. Crossing all three finish lines meant I am healthy & able to do hard things. Running 60 miles in the span of three days on arduous trails on gorgeous mountain tops & valleys meant I was well prepared & had INCREDIBLE support during the weeks training & at every single aid station.

kiddos & me before day one!

Day one was 18 miles on my favorite mountaintop in Chattanooga- Raccoon Mountain. Kris super encouraged me to not give my all this day, as I had two more days in front of me… to run confidently & be mindful that I would still have 42 miles left. I have a bad habit of starting out way too fast & crashing. Being competitive is part of my genetic make up & I can’t help but get this adrenaline rush & desire to just go! But, my goal for this race was to finish all 60 miles, so I knew I had to be smart with my pace.

I believe this is at mile 11ish aid station

I found a pack of guys who were running, talking, & not running like they stole something kind of pace. Raccoon Mountain is mostly flat, not super technical, a TON of fun, & GORGEOUS. I love the trails. I finished 15^th female that day, with no aches or pains & in good spirits. Seeing my family at aid stations was super encouraging. Josh sacrificed a lot of early mornings & evenings for me to train for this, meaning this race wasn’t just about me but about us as a family prioritizing something important to me/us- & that means more than I can rightfully articulate. There's a theme here, huh? My husband constantly lays down his life for me & I am super honored by his endless support & love of me. 

celebrating with THE Natalie Sims, who you'll read about next. ;) 

Day two was 22 miles on Lookout Mountain, in the ever so beautiful Lula Lake Land Trust. This course was a lot harder, with several large climbs. On day one I noticed a couple of females who I knew I wanted to be up there with & challenge myself by running with. I was able to do that & paired up with a marvelous runner named Juanita, & spent several miles with Natalie Sims (who I have had a woman-running-crush on for a couple of years now, so I was a little starry-eyed running alongside her! She's another super humble & super talented athlete, like Kris.). We honestly didn’t exchange many words, but bonded through running mile after mile together. The last 5ish miles were mentally the hardest. We climbed down, not ran…climbed, to the base of an iconic waterfall & then climbed, not ran, right back up. Somewhere in there my foot jammed to the front of my shoe, for the 500^th time, & I swear it felt like needles being shoved under my toenails. I thought for sure my toenails had come off. I had to walk quite a bit of the last two miles because if I pushed up against the front of my shoe the pain was unbearable. I got to a river crossing of freezing water which was heavenly for numbing my throbbing toes! (The toenails hadn't fallen off, but blisters UNDER the toenails had formed.... and my golly, those babies were painful.) 

 After the river crossing the finish line was about 800 glorious yards away. I finished 8^th female that day & ate a lot of delicious Mexican food in a folding up camping chair that felt like La-z-Boy's best new creation. 

The aid stations, again this day, were incredibly helpful & loving. They make you feel like you are the most important person on earth as the shove ice down your shirt, refill water bottles, put Band-Aids on chaffing spots, & celebrate all you’ve done. 

Day two was enthralling. I had never run that far in my life! And, two of my very sweet friends showed up at the mile 15 aid station which instantly brought me to tears. I think support is a love language of mine… but, isn’t is everyone’s?!

Day three was 20 miles on Signal Mountain. This day had a dark cloud around it every time I began trying to envision myself running & finishing this race. I have run two races on this mountain since we moved here & both didn’t go very well for me. This day was the hardest of the three with very technical terrain, brutal climbs, & running 20 miles after having just put 42 on your legs. 

The first 7 miles were hell on trail. I was dry heaving & mentally crashing. The Natalie Sims came running by with a nugget of gold advice which rewired my brain & pushed me out of my rut-  “just keep moving & get comfortable.” 

I started focusing on what was going right—my arms felt good, my hands were functioning, my calves felt fine, my eyes were working, etc. Just little things. I also just kept reminding myself that Josh would be waiting for me at mile 11 to finish up the day with me. I kept looking down at my watch… 8.3 miles, 8.6 miles, 9.2 miles…. it was tortuous. Around mile 10 I finally fell into a groove & felt good! Wahoo! Getting to Josh was a huge climb where I was literally on hands & knees at some points. Seeing him was so exciting! It was Father’s Day & I figured since we had started this race together, six weeks ago, we should finish together. Our dating days were spent running & climbing & cycling, so this is a very fond & familiar place for us to be together. It was really special to get to… especially after the crapstorm that was 2016, it meant a lot  be finishing together.

I crossed the finish line that day as 8^th overall female, which I believe puts me at 7^th female over the whole span of three days (those results are still not posted, and theres a chance I did the math wrong… but I’m 98% sure I am top ten female. J ).

We ate delicious burgers, got a massage from my amazingly talented & super loving from Christian, celebrated, cried a little, & fellowshipped with all the other racers & families that had been on this three day journey!

I think everyone should do a three day race. Here are eight reasons why:

1.)  It was so neat to train for something & have three days to execute, opposed to just one.

2.)  You really get to bond with other runners.

3.)  If you mess up one day on something like nutrition or gear you get to fix it the next day!

4.)  The views. Seeing 60 miles of gorgeous trails in one weekend is priceless.

5.)  The love you feel at aid stations & the finish line is extraordinary.

6.)  This race in particular had a meet up every evening at the Crash Pad & that was super fun to hang & debrief the run with others.

7.)  It’s challenging in the best of ways. To wake up three days in a row, setting out to do something hard is just good for the soul & body.

8.)  Because, you can. Believe me… you really can. 

This was one of the most fun things I have ever accomplished. I am so thankful for all the volunteering that happened behind the scenes to make this happen. Three different races back to back is a ton of work! Randy Whorton & team executed this flawlessly. My applause for all you guys did is endless, echoing into eternity! 

In conclusion, I am pleased that I got to finish something I was thought was totally out of range for me... that's powerful!  This isn’t me tooting my own horn or boasting, a year ago I could barely walk, remember? This is me sharing my journey of the Lord allowing some really hard things to happen & some really great things to happen. I’m humbled & honored by both.

I hope that when you read this you don't hear a voice of pride... but hear the voice of someone who was deeply hurting & wounded by a slew of things & overcame them through a heaping amount of mercy, grace, grit, support, determination, hard work, & Jesus. I hope you read this & feel deeply inspired to set a goal that feels utterly undoable- be it a 5k or an overnight solo camping trip, a career change or moving to a new state. I hope you read this & hear the heart of a person who is incredibly grateful for her husband, family, & support system that have rallied around & didn't allow sinking to happen. I hope that if you read this & can relate to the dark places that you reach out & get help... you're not alone & you're worthy of living the life before you. 

Whoever you are, you're so loved. You're so worth taking risks, making mistakes, & doing hard things. And. You really should do a stage race. :) 

letting go of convenience

The definition of convenient involves the phrase, "involving little trouble or effort." You know what's not convenient? Serving others. To take another family a meal means you are either sacrificing a hearty meal for your own family or you are cooking two meals- one for your own & one for them. 

Another definition of the word convenient reads, "fitting in well with a person's plans." You know what's not convenient? A doctor sitting you down with devastating news that can potentially alter the rest of your life.

Tonight we were on the giving side of this which fills me with gratitude on so many levels-- thankful we were able & thankful to not be on the receiving end, in the midst of hard times. I'm not boasting in us giving a meal to a precious family but have felt urged to share how profound it is to be on the either end of this- the letting go of convenience. 

When a loved one is in the trenches I urge you to show up. Just show up. 

If you can't afford to take a meal or pay a bill, show up. Sit with them. Pray with them. Ask how they are doing & just sit. Just sit & listen.  

For the love of all things good in the world, do not send this text: "let me know if you need anything!" Wanna know why? When you are drenched in grief & aching you have NO idea what you need. Make real offers. 

Here are a few ideas:

Can I bring you dinner? Take your kids to the park? Clean your house? Take out your trash? Organize your fridge? Help you sort through medical bills? Bring a movie over to watch? Mow your lawn? 

Make practical offers & when they decline because of pride or not wanting to be a burden (they probably will), keep asking. Set a reminder on your phone to ask weekly. 

It doesn't matter if you live in the same city or states away. We had a sweet friend send gift cards to go out to eat at places because she couldn't bring us a meal after one of my surgeries. Certain places will also allow you to order food & deliver from states away. 

It's true that in hard times you learn who your friends are.... sadly. And it's true that a person's silence speaks loudly. 

We were super blessed by an outpouring of love in 2015 & 2016 which both held really unique & intense challenges for us. We also felt the sting of loneliness & hurt as people didn't just show up. I can count on one hand the number of times a friend came & just sat with me when I was on bed rest for weeks at a time & that count includes Josh's mom & my mom. 

And that hurt, to be very candid. 

I share this not to toot our horn or to sulk but to hopefully share how your intentionality with your words, efforts, actions, & willingness to be inconvenienced can truly be LIGHT in darkness. 

Because, want to know one more thing? Everyone is busy. That can always be an excuse. But here's the thing, you choose that. You choose what's important to you. When you say yes to one thing you're essentially saying no to another. 

I pray we have the courage & faith to always choose the route of inconvenience for the sake of giving love.... the sake of telling a hurting family, "you matter & i care. i love you, because Jesus first loved me." 

a recap of 2015: blesslengedported & all that entails

I have been thinking of a blog post to end 2015 for weeks now. In fact, I have written up many different posts on many different topics from this past year. However, I write them out in my head & they never quite make it to “paper.”

This past year has been a lot. There is not one single word I can pick to summarize the year…

“Blessed” Ah, yes. Yes, we have been abundantly blessed & taken care of.  One definition of the word blessed is “of or enjoying happiness” & this year was not full of that. However, happiness did happened. We laughed a lot. Countless meals with countless beloved friends happened in our home. We adventured in the woods behind our home with our little babes, family, & friends. We watched many sunrises & sunsets from beautiful locations. We watched our daughter take her first wobbly steps & learn to sleep through the night. We celebrated birthdays, anniversaries, & watched episodes of shows we love on Netflix. We celebrated our boy turning three at the beach with family. We logged many miles behind our double stroller on trails & city sidewalks. We launched a photography business. We volunteered at many races, camera or kiddos in hand, & loved getting to know the running community in Chattanooga. We began a Community Group through our church in our home & have truly loved every second of that. We bought our first home. We made new friends & continued growing sweet relationships with old friends. So. Happiness, it happened. A lot. More than I can track!

Perhaps “challenging” is the word I’m looking for… Yes, yes, & yes again. This year has felt overwhelmingly challenging. I am not exaggerating when I say there wasn’t a single week that went by in which something “hard” did not happen to us. And you know, I’ve really struggled with sharing some of these “hard” things in fear of sounding like a broken record or whiny or ungrateful. Years ago a friend encouraged me that what’s hard for you is hard for you. I am still learning to be okay with what challenges me may be a piece of cake to someone else; and, learning to not judge someone else for struggling through something I see as easy. It’s not fair to expect others to respond to situations as you would or how you think they should. That being said, I confidently & unapologetically say- This year has been extremely hard & challenging for us. 

We moved into our first home & within a month of moving in things started going wrong that were beyond our skill set, beyond our bank account, & beyond our emotional limitations. From giant oak trees falling & crushing our neighbors roof to an invasion of pesky animals that cost us thousands of dollars to get rid of. We had three different occasions of robbers. One was on Josh’s birthday & they stole all our electronics (stealing the said photography business) & completely disheveled our belongings, which was SO disturbing to see! Another was one where Josh interrupted the young man & stood face to face with him outside our home. It was intense & terrifying & led to a court date, which just broke our hearts for this young man. We went over 12 MONTHS without a single night of good sleep because our sweet baby girl just wouldn’t sleep. Depression & anxiety crept in because of that in ways I have never experienced. Suicidal thoughts to daydreams about getting in an accident that would land me in the ICU so I could just get some rest were normal lines of thoughts Josh & I talked, cried, & prayed through together.  We worked through relational strife with friends that was difficult & extremely disheartening. 

The weight of everything that felt so hard challenged our marriage. I can remember when we were first married & pregnant & Josh was waiting tables & feeling so drowned by it all & wishing we could go back in time to our charmed dating life. There is a romance about dating that dissolves when you really begin to face hardship together. You no longer get to run away to the other person & escape sorrows because that person you used to run away with also holds the exact same sorrows. So, we would sit across the table both fighting back tears, both knots in our stomach, both with shaking hands, both with ugly thoughts, both knowing our financial situation, both of us fully aware of the things spinning out of control in our world… while we have weathered these feelings before when we were newlyweds it was still just plain hard to be back in that position again. A beautiful part of marriage in the challenging times is that usually when one person is down the other is up & has the strength & patience to help carry the other one. We did this dance a lot. But we also just wept together a lot. 

“Choose joy” was our mantra. While it was challenging for our marriage it was certainly refining & certainly humbling. I was constantly reminded to not look to Josh as my god, to not look to him to save the situation but to look to Christ.

I think we could write a book on the bizarre things that happened in our home this past year… this is where Josh would chime in & say, “it’s not that bizarre things happened. We live in an old house that backs up to the woods on a mountainside. It’s bizarre that things kept happening.” Truth. At one point we kept track & we almost made it to 40 weeks where something happened every two days. It was exhausting.

So, to say the year was overall “challenging” just isn’t right either. Because, mixed in with those challenges was so much support. Let’s try that word on for size.

“Supported” is a word I am so thankful to truly have woven into the craze of 2016. There were definitely times that lingered longer than I would have liked in which I felt completely alone in it all. It’s probably a good thing to feel alone at times because then when people show up or call or listen it makes it that much sweeter. Also, it grows you to empathize with others on a deeper level & think of ways to shed light in other's darkness. We had support at our fingertips at all times. I’ll probably never know the beauty it is to proclaim that. 

Our parents, from day one out of the womb, have loved & supported us. A whole book could be written on the ways our parents lavish love upon our family without hesitation & with zero strings attached. They always show up. They always care. They sure have set the bar high on what it is to give sacrificially & reveal Jesus. 

We made new friends who happen to live just down the street from us who showed up after burglaries, helped cut up fallen trees, saved our home from blowing up, loved & played with our kids, invited us to join in & help with their non-profit, welcomed us into their home for meals, ate at our table, adventured with us on the trails behind our homes, & SO much more in between.

                

We have a friend back in Texas who has loved us with such a genuine & sincere & fierce & encouraging love since our marriage began. She truly showed up for us in the months of Josh being under-employed  & me being so sick when pregnant with Asher. I will never forget the times she showed up with grocery sacks in hand to fill our fridge. She makes an effort to come & see us & really dive into our world. When I think of the friend I want to be to others, I look so much to how she is a friend to me. Through really fun times & really, really hard times she has been right beside us. This past year was no different. She is one of a kind, indeed.

We got to launch a Community Group in 2016 through our church, Sojourn, & it was food to our souls. To have people gather in our home, share Jesus, share food, volunteer together, cry, pray, laugh… LOTS of laughing, & just be together was so very encouraging.

A lovely woman asked me to mentor her & I, excitedly, took on the role. This woman has turned into a very close friend & basically part of our family. She gave us countless date nights, even when we weren’t able to pay. She has let me air our stresses, dreams, sighs, & whatnot when I was supposed to be mentoring her… I am grateful she didn’t grow weary of our ever-evolving troubles, because we really did need her this past year. Her presence & love for our kids was one of the best gifts 2016 had wrapped up in it.

Family, friends, & the kindness of strangers really helped hold this year together. We had meals dropped off & once a friend went grocery shopping for me when we were all sick & out of food! We had flowers & edible arrangements sent to our door from friends who live far away. It all helped, more than you know… more than I can articulate.

When I wrote up this little post in my head I told myself not to name-drop in this little section for fear of leaving someone out & making them feel like I don’t appreciate them. But, then I just couldn’t help but take the time to really highlight beautiful souls who helped carry our weary ones this past year. It meant more than I can type up on my little computer.

I am grateful for the intense moments of loneliness that felt so dominating & felt like they may just break me… because now, when I see a Mama who is fighting back tears because her baby isn’t sleeping, I feel for her. I feel deeply for her & know how incredibly hard that can be. If I wasn’t alone in those hours of the night, I may write her off as hormonal & tell her to let the baby cry it out. That’s an easy & ignorant response... please, don't ever feed that crap to a mother drowning in the colic & sleep deprivation. 

While I am grateful for the loneliness felt, I am equally grateful for the times dear friends & family showed up. You helped carry us. We could not have done 2015 alone. Even comments on Facebook posts, thank you.

So. Blessed, challenged, & supported. Blesslengedported. Yes! That’s exactly the word I was looking for.

2015 was one for the books! We surely felt so, very blesslengedported.

Here's to 2016- the good times to come, the challenges that we will surely face, the friendships yet to be made, the confrontations, the long nights, the meals together, long runs & hikes & swims & rides & climbs, the road trips, the sunrises & sunsets... We are more than ready for you! 

And mostly, here's to His mercies that are new every single morning that refresh our souls & minds to adapt to whatever may come our way.