our saigey girl; year one. and, a little note to you mamas with colicky babies.

52 weeks.  365 days. 8,760 hours. One whole year ago at this time I couldn’t predict that in just 24 hours I would be holding our brand new to the world, precious baby girl. And, I couldn't predict the love that would fill my heart in a spot I didn't know was empty. Oh, and I couldn't predict how hard the year would be. Or, how great it would be. 

You know, the other day I was driving to the grocery store, Asher was talking about everything under the sun while Saige loudly talked gibberish over him. Thoughts about what to do for Saige’s upcoming first birthday kept surfacing—should we do anything? Should it be a sweet time with just family? Should we do a gift or decorate or make a cake? Then, a song came on the radio & somehow both kids silenced. The words poured out of the speakers & into my heart as if that’s what car speakers were meant for:

“When I look into your eyes

It’s like watching the night sky

Or a beautiful sunrise

Well, there’s so much they hold.

And just like them old stars

I see that you’ve come so far

To be right where you are

How old is your soul?”

Tears like rain that has welled up in clouds for days & days & days poured out… and didn’t stop for a good while. Every verse pulled more tears out of my eyes, tugged at my heart, & recapped this first year I was navigating how to celebrate. My breath was taken, hands shaking, & the only lucid thought I had sounded something like this, “One year. We made it. One whole year. These words. This song. This is recapping this whole year.”

                                 “Well, I won’t give up on us.                                   

Even if the skies get rough.

I’m giving you all my love.

I’m still looking up.”

After this very emotional car ride, I decided I wanted to write out the past year to recap Saige’s first year. It goes something like this ---> original post here.

I didn’t finish it as I intended to. There is really no way to put into words that seem to validate how this past year has been. So, it felt wrong. I felt selfish in sharing how hard this past year has been without super capitalizing on the fact that this year has been marvelously filled with God’s sweet grace, mercies, unconditional love, & gifts. Our baby girl is turning ONE tomorrow. I GET TO pick up her chubby little body out of her crib tomorrow morning & excitedly tell her "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" We get to sing a little song & celebrate her day of birth. I get to recount the memories of the past year—first foods, long nights (ohhhhh so long nights), her first steps, first words, laugh about her blooming personality, cherish how much she looks like her Daddy, twirl her curly hair in my fingers, & kiss her chubby, somehow always sticky, cheeks. I get to. So many of my friends long for this day. A lot of my friends visit a gravesite on the day of their baby’s first birthday. 

“I don’t wanna be someone who walks away so easily

I’m here to stay and make the difference that I can make.

Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use

The tools and gifts we got, yeah, we got a lot at stake.

And in the end, you’re still my friend at least we did intend

For us to work. We didn’t break, we didn’t burn.

We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in.

I had to learn what I’ve got, and what I’m not, and who I am.”

While it’s very true that this past year has been exceedingly taxing & it would be a dishonor to not mention the facts, the tears, the struggle, the pain it would be a huge disservice  to not mention the gift it has been.

“I won’t give up on us.

Even if the skies get rough.

I’m giving you all my love.

I’m still looking up, I’m still looking up.”

Our beautiful Saige Malyn Tilford. She brings so much to our family. Her Grammy recently nicknamed her “Bam Bam” and that’s really pretty fitting. If she is going anywhere it’s with great determination & ambition. She moves fiercely, rather aggressively, but somehow moves with this sweetness that is just pure bliss. She is seemingly pretty bossy & knows what she wants & will not shy away from letting you know. She has conquered going up & down the flight of stairs in our home; should you try & stop her she bellows her will to override you.

We haven’t slept much this first year of her life. Sleep deprivation is a real thing & really will impinge on every part of your life. It’s not easy & I wont pretend for a second that I savored every minute, like the strangers in the grocery store urge you to do. You don’t have to. It’s okay to want to sleep, especially when you are getting only thirty minutes of sleep & holding a screeching baby the other 23.5 hours of the day. It's okay to not be okay. Again, you can read my more unfiltered & raw version of this past year HERE. ;) 

BUT, in the moments that you magically have some clarity… cherish it. Dive in fully & be present with the gift of life you are holding. Smell their sweet baby head. Rub those tiny baby feet. Place your finger gently in the palm of their hand & soak in the feeling of them grasping tightly to you. Press their cheeks up against yours. Rock them & sing despite the sound of your tired voice lullaby. Stare into their eyes & relish in the beauty that you get to know the color of eyes God gave them. Delight in the feeling of a human being feeling so safe with you that they go completely limp in your arms after you nurse them for the 80^th time that night. Drink them in. 

Don’t forget that no matter how hard it is, how little of sleep you are going on, how impossible it feels to even think about tomorrow or even the next hour, no matter how incredibly overwhelmed you feel… you can, Mama. His mercies are new every single morning; that is true for YOU (and me, thank God.)!!!

And, beautiful friend reading this, don’t you dare forget that while you are holding that sweet baby who never sleeps & is colicky & you are sinking deeper into depression, don’t you forget that as you, rightfully, let tears fall in your baby’s super cute nursery & rock that fussy baby there is, indeed, a Mama standing in a nursery pouring out tears over an empty crib, empty arms, & an aching heart.  Rightfully, let your tears fall. Take a deep breath. Breathe in the sweet smell of that sweet baby, feel in your soul the weight you hold in your arms, close you eyes & delight in in the gift you hold. I know it is hard. I know you are tired beyond your wits. I know you feel lonely & maybe even abandoned. I know you may even dream of being anywhere but where you are… I know because I felt that way, too. A lot. And, it’s crushing. The guilt of that is crushing. I so encourage you to process what you feel. Feel it all. 

But, don’t you wallow & miss out on the undeniable beauty you hold because it feels too hard… I promise you that “too hard” is the weight of just dreaming to hold that weight. I am preaching to myself just as much here. Don't forget you don't hold emptiness. That's the unimaginable hard, dear sister.

Truly, I just want to say that this past year has felt like hurdle after hurdle with hardly any space in-between; but, the gift our growing baby girl wasn’t the challenge. The challenge was learning to cope. To press in & press on. To choose joy in the face of adversity. I’m thankful for His grace.

God’s grace through family, friendships, & His Word has carried us. 

Mostly, I am so grateful for my husband who weathered each & every blow alongside me. I am grateful for a husband who processes alongside me his own take on it all, sharing his beautiful & not so beautiful moments with zero filters. What a man to be able to do so. Doing a marriage with little sleep, all those hurdles, & being two seperate beings TRYING, desperately, to move in harmony  hasn't been a cake walk. But, there is nobody else I would rather harmonize & deharmonize with. (you can make up words when you write on your own blog. that's a fact.) 

Here I am again, trying to recap the first year of Saige’s life & I just can’t help but mention how hard it was. I think that’s okay. It’s the truth of how it’s been. I'm still processing all of it & still learning to "count it all as joy when you endure challenges of any kind." (James 1:2)

“Cause even the stars they burn

Some even fall to the earth

We’ve got a lot to learn

God knows we’re worth it.

No, I won’t give up.”

Thank you, Jason Mraz for the song that so perfectly captures the essence of this past year.

She is worth it. She is worth the sleeplessness. God knows that & gives just what we need to endure it. I have a feeling it won’t get much easier from here on out. The world is broken & groaning. Struggle, hardship, challenges will continue to come. This past year has really been great training to endure those curve balls. 

Saigey-Lou, I couldn’t of dreamed you up. Your big eyes, gorgeous grin, chubby cheeks & legs & arms, how you light up a room & constantly make us laugh… you’re just so much more. We love you. Every big & small part of you—your big personality to your tiny toes, we are in love with. I cannot wait to watch you grow another year. May you learn to sleep soundly, because that really would be nice. But…if you do not, may I eat my words & cherish the moments we are up together in the silence & stillness of the night. It’s pretty sacred  & I really do love being with you. You’re loved, baby girl. You are so loved.

       

Happy, indeed, One Year.

“I won’t give up on us

Even if the skies get rough

I’m giving you all my love

I’m still looking up.”