being honest & sharing the ugly.

This week has been so full. My heart feels overwhelmingly full & drained at the same time. 

Lately I have been keeping three different to-do lists so that I make sure to be productive... One on my phone, one on a dry erase board in our kitchen, & then one in a tiny journal in the diaper bag. It truly has helped...  on the good days it is like honey on my lips. But the bad days... the long ones that feel redundant, monotonous, & mundane.... that to-do list is poison.

No matter how many to-do lists I make, how many items I check off my life still feels so out of order.

My sister-in-law is a pro organizer. My aunt organizes everything from q-tips to lint from the dryer. (She also deep cleans her car with q-tips, on a regular basis.) I envy them. Truly, it's not that I am playing the comparison game.  It's a challenge to step up... because, I admire them. I think their discipline is to be admired, so I do. And. On those ugly days, I just envy & sulk.  

Nothing really feels "perfect" right now. That's life, though... right?

I feel unorganized & weary of trying SO hard to be organized!  It's like I am forcing myself to wear glasses that really just blind me, but look cute.

I feel short tempered & cranky with my husband who is, most certainly, my biggest fan & best friend.
I am short with my son who yells, "NO!" to everything I say to him... "Asher, do you want a banana?" "NO!"  "Ash, do you want to read a book with Mommy?" "NO!" He also screams, "HELP!" when I change his poopy little diapers. I feel worn down by this new little stage he is screaming through.

I am envious of friends whose parents live close & regularly take their kids for the weekend.

I am annoyed at myself when the end of the day comes & I have not even begun to make dinner.  I plan, plan, & plan & cannot even carve my time well enough to have dinner put together.

I have organized our bathroom perfectly. I mean, bought containers, everything... And, it's already falling apart.  I could just scream & burn every item in there.

It seems as though I am really good at making to-do lists, but not actually completing them.  Anytime a friend calls with a frantic heart of feeling like she is falling short, I encourage her to be gracious with herself. Give grace to you! A friend once told me this a couple of years ago & it was the best advice. Why can I not drown in that advice now?

Sometimes I daydream about having a day job. An 8-5, away from the house, talking to lots of people, get dressed for the day kind of job.  Sometimes I daydream about working out regularly. Getting up at the same time every single day & running, for miles & miles with no pressure to rush back home to my child who screams "NO!" at me.

And then... when I am done daydreaming, I just kick myself for being so selfish.  I am blessed to be a Mom, a Mom who GETS to stay home with her baby screaming toddler. I work for a non-profit who draws in Mamas whose babies have gone to heaven... I get their emails for prayer. I read their stories. I hear their hearts aching just through words on a screen. In the past 5 months two hearts very close to me said goodbye to their babies. I am blessed to have a child who is breathing air & in that breathe screaming, "NO!" at me. Oh, do hear me. I know the privilege of motherhood, the gift of my son. I know.

I am just tired. I am just a bit weary.  I am a little overwhelmed. The idea of who I want to be sometimes challenges me in the best of ways & other times that idea is the death of me. 

Today, the ideal me is killing me. I need some Jesus. I need the Truth he tells us to resonate deeply in my heart. Be my peace. Be my definition. Be my foundation.

"for my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." - Jesus
clinging to it, Jesus. I am clinging tightly.