running shoes & selflessness

It is 7:55 am, & our house is quiet... except for the humming of the computer, my hands hitting keys, & the occasional car that goes by. Other than that, this house is silenced. I'm sure when we have a house full of kiddos, I will treasure these mornings of a still house.  But, this morning I am eagerly awaiting my two favorites to wake up! I love the sweetness of getting Asher out of his crib in the morning.  His sweet tired eyes, messy hair, pajamas all twisted, full diaper, & biggest grin... LOVE this moment every single day.  I love listening to Josh's morning routine, as it always the same.  Our mornings during the weekdays are usually rushed, so weekend days I truly appreciate the slowness of the mornings. (insert Jack Johnson song here about banana pancakes)

                                      (I really want to add pictures to my blogs because I know it makes them more interesting. Um. This is an old photo. BUT. A photo of what our runs as a family look like! Pushing around a big ole stroller, holding the happiest boy you ever did meet!)

During the week, Josh will usually try to be out the door for a run, so he can be back to hand me the baton, & I can be on my run & back all before Asher is awake!  Relay style.  At first, I really did miss our family runs... but, there is a freeness in running that I have always found fuel in.  It has been about 18 months since I have been consistently running... running to the point of actually not stopping, & doing more than just a few hard, slow, achey, not fun miles. Before we moved to Chattanooga I had begun running again, & then the move & adjusting here put me back at square one.

SO, finally I am back in a pair of shoes I know all too well.  We are reacquainted & becoming great friends again!  When you become a Mom, you... well, you become a Mom.  Your job never stops.  You never clock out.  I guess vacations & get away weekends happen.  But even then, it's like everything in the universe must align... So, those are far & few between.  You are never guaranteed a late morning or early night.  Even your day is kinda up in the air depending on how naps go (or don't go).  If your kiddo wakes up sick, then your whole day of plans are shot as you GET TO stay home & cuddle a sick baby.  Asher's sleeping time becomes laundry, dishes, cooking, & cleaning time.  Not that I always take that unpredictable time to do those things... but, majority of the time, to keep my own sanity, I do.

Hear me, this is no complaint.  It is just the reality. (&, I love it. I love being Mama. I truly cherish every sleepy morning of scooping him out of his bed.  I love watching him grow & learn.  I think he is the most lovely treasure I have ever held.)
So. My runs.  My 40-60 minutes of tapping into a part of me that wasn't lost in becoming a Mother.  (You do lose some of yourself.  You give it up. With open hands. Because, raising them & loving them does become more important than your own "need." Really, you just learn the difference between "needs" & "wants." Perhaps this should really be labelled as sanctification, maturity, or selflessness.  Or all three.  I think once you get a grasp on how to become a Mama, you grab things/hobbies that you once held dear, & reshape them to fit into your world again. And, it will look way different than it did pre-baby days.  The maturity comes in being okay with that.  Being joyful in that.)  Um... Also note: I am only 11 months into this whole Mom thing, & the role has changed drastically as Asher changes.  So I know "grasping to become Mama" really is a lifelong endeavor.  


This is the phase I am in.  Learning what it is to be completely selfless. (hard. hard. hard. hard. this is SO hard.)   In all things-- Momhood, marriage, friendships, relationships...  To die to my own needs, trusting that God will provide them, & give. give. give. give. Give of myself, my time, convenience, possessions, listening ears, forgiveness, trust, & grace.... when I am too tired, when the night was restless, when Asher is fussy, when I would rather have alone time, & when I feel like completely detaching. GIVE. With no thoughts of what I will be given in return. 

That last one: grace.  To realize everyone is imperfect, & show them favor. honor. mercy. compassion in spite of their ugliness.  To know grace is to learn that others will hurt my feelings, deeply.  That I will get left off of an invite list, or unfriended on Facebook, or even be the receiver of a dirty look from a stranger.  To have those things happen & still LOVE that person, & throw honor in their face!
If I can have an overflowing heart of grace, I can not only move past the hurt of these things, but love these people more.  And, forgive them without their apologies.
     Grace is something I feel like my husband has perfected.  He has expectations for people, but even when they are not met, he moves on & will usually sum it up something like this, "You may ever know why they chose to do it that way. But, as Paul said, "I have learned the secret, to be content in all things, whether in plenty or in want." " BOOM.  I usually sum it with some type of word vomit about how thoughtless that individual was being. And how I would never treat him/her like that, or even their dog for that matter.  Buuuuut, chances are... I have. And I probably will again. And, I beg for your grace.  Your mercy.

So, here's to this new, intense, challenging, sculpting, & hopefully God-centered phase of learning to be selfless!  A selfless wife, mother, friend, daughter, sister, & stranger.

 I really do love people.  God help me to love like you do, with eyes that see hearts.  God help me to walk in grace, as I daily get to walk in the mercy of what Your Son did.  Help me to wake up & put my desires last, trusting you will exceed them, as I place my family & friends first.  Help me to not walk past the hungry, but to see they are starved for more than just food- a smile, a wave, a simple "hello!".  Help me God to be your hands. your feet.  moving this world. Making your kingdom come, & your will be done.  

I am desperate for You. 


& now, friends, my sons giggle over the monitor is summoning me to scoop him up.  & my husband is also awake!  another day in paradise.