joyfully in peace

Let's just first talk about what I should be doing....
  --There is a pile of laundry that needs to be folded & put away stashed in my bedroom
  --Asher's diapers need to be "put together"
  --Some girls from church are coming over tonight, so I could be making a snack
  --Definitely should start on dinner
 --Zion probably needs to go outside
 --I have a couple of emails I have yet to respond to
 --I could take the time to figure out my student loans & get those in order
 --Work on the budget
 --Perhaps get a workout in while Ash is sleeping
 --I am currently reading three books... I could try to really finish at least one
 --There is always a need to spend time in God's good word
 --This list COULD keep going.......

But, alas... I am here. Sitting at our beautiful farm table with blue legs, a bench, and four different antique, red painted chairs. I love this table.  I spent a little bit going through old albums on Facebook.  Laughing at a lot of the pictures, cringing at some, wondering why my hair looked the way it did & how I didn't notice it looking awful, feeling warmed by old friendships, feeling extra warmed by the friendships that are still strong, & really just being nostalgic.

I am blessed. I always have been.  I have never been without food, clothes, or shelter.  I have always been surrounded by family who loves me.  My parents have bent over backwards for me ever since I developed a very stubborn, strong willed personality.  School came easy to me.  I have always loved sports, & found them easy to excel at.  I have always had a solid group of friends-- at least five amazing, go to, have your back kind of friendships.  My childhood is golden.  My teen years are marked with rebellion, but I made it through wiser.  I was privileged to attend college, & end up graduating from cosmetology school.  I have a skill that can provide money for my family; however, I now have a hard working husband who is blessed with a great job at a law firm.

Ah, yes... My husband. Joshua Bryant Tilford.  I am so blessed by our marriage.  That he chose me.  That I chose him.  I am blessed with someone so like-minded, adventurous, comical, God-fearing, & with someone who always is seeking Truth.  Together we have an incredible son.  Asher is healthy, handsome, and as smart as a 7 month old can be.  We are blessed with his health.  I do not take that lightly.

I can count all these blessings, & really continue with a list that would be endless... eye sight, a warm bed, a mountain bike, great toe nails, legs that run, ability to read, straight teeth, some basic artsy-ness....

Since Josh & I began on this journey of life together it started out hard. We did not feel super, duper, scream it from every roof top kind of blessed.  We felt hurt.  Far away from God. Hungry and not fed. Alone, even in marriage. Friendless.  Burdened by debt.

It was so hard.  Even typing this and allowing some of those situations to rise back up make my adrenaline rush & my mind scream, "you are not ready to travel back there! stay here! stay warm!  that place is dark.... do not go there..."  And, it was. It is. I think it will always have a very bitter taste.

This is all within our very own personal perspective. Our lenses. Our tunnel vision.  In all reality our story compared to a young girl sold into sex trafficking at age 9, tossed about by men, drugged, left to feel worthless would jump into our "broken" little world and hear music so sweet.  Music we did not hear.  Music we yearned for.

I know we can all play the comparison game... some have it worse, and some have it a hell of a lot better.  I really do pray that we never grow numb here. Oh, God... help us to NEVER be thoughtless to those with hurting, broken hearts. That we remember what it felt like to receive a check in the mail for the exact number of a bill left unpaid.  That we remember the taste of a friend buying groceries for us.  Or how our parents never hesitated to go above and beyond in helping us. A mid-wife who took us in & guided us through pregnancy at no monetary cost. I pray we do not forget what we both looked like in the midst of it... how bruised my husband was rejection after rejection, with his jurors doctorate... how depressed I felt, alone in a town, pregnant and sick.  To know that we both can bend but NOT break is everything. 

I trust my husband in a way I would not if we hadn't of walked through that year.... Perhaps in years to come I would.  My soul is tied to his.  I would follow him to the depths of the ocean. and I am freaking terrified of the ocean!!!

I adore my husband's strengths. His talents.  His wisdom.  He has amazing insight into people's hearts that I know is a gift from God.  He is thorough & sharp.  He cares about people, loves them deeply, & is fueled by the love poured out...most people are fueled by love poured in.  Because of the dessert we walked through, & ran out alive, I know how capable my husband is to fight a battle, wit no armor, no weapons, no training... and win.  Jesus in my husband is there. Boldly, loudly, confidently, securely, supremely THERE on the throne of his heart.  I am so grateful my husband has a genuine, real, raw, beautiful relationship with Jesus Christ... or, I truly believe we would have sank.  

Today.... as I sit here with so much to do I just feel light. I feel fragile, yet untouchable...  The stress & worry of folding the laundry or making dinner seem trivial in comparison to the absolute, calm joy I feel right now.

We spent time at the Ocoee River yesterday.  We sat by the river, ran down paths, put our hands in the freezing water, smelled the mountains, were silenced by the noise of the rapids, watched a storm roll in, prayed for our city, cried together about our desire to really make God's kingdom here on earth, watched our son look around mesmerized at God's beauty.... we basked in it.  We absolutely indulged in God's creation & it was marvelous.  
[6 months ago looked so different than this. Tasted so different.  Felt so heavy. So scary. I know there is a chance our world can/could/might take a turn back to a familiar spot such as this... But today. right now. it's not. and i am joyful.]

This song came from my heart, & sang it in a way I have never let out:

'When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.'

Come what may...  bad health, job loss, death, friendships severed.... my soul is at peace in this current chapter.  And, I will relish in.  Take it all in. Ignore laundry and sit on the porch.  Skip budgeting to go for a long walk with my family.  Buy a pizza every Sunday night & watch a movie with my love!  Play, tickle, and smell the scent of my son instead of doing dishes.  

I am just happy.  All praises be to the King of Kings. Prince of Peace. My Jesus. 

to honor Jesus, by honoring my husband. (pt. 1)

  I am currently sitting in the hustle and bustle of Whole Foods-- drinking some local coffee, journaling, reading blogs, & a little bit of pinteresting. (Yes, that can be a verb.)  Much to my surprise, and perhaps yours, I am blogging twice in ONE week! Boom!

I love being a wife.  I love all that it entails to cook homemade meals:  searching out a recipe, shopping for the ingredients, combining them at home, putting the dish into a serving bowl, setting the table, and serving my husband in that!  Every meal I will sit... and I will wait.... and wait... for the affirmation Josh gives on liking/loving the meal. Lucky for me, I have a husband who will devour anything healthy.  If I have a pitch on why it's good for him, he is sold and will eat it up! The whole dish.  Leftovers rarely happen in our house.  And, I am grateful!

The problem here is.... I am really struggling with that waiting on his affirmation.  Not just his affirmation, but I want him to say "Thank you! Best meal ever! Wow, honey you outdid yourself this time!"  Every time.

Today I took the time to pray, journal, and read God's Good Word(s).  I wanted to seek out what it is to really serve.  To love my husband and honor him by what I do at home, in preparation for his arrival.

Am I looking up recipes, shopping for ingredients, and putting together tedious meals just for HIS approval, for his admiration?  Doing laundry, cleaning the house, paying bills, & baking desserts to take to small group JUST so my husband will tell me, "Good job, Kell! You are AMAZING."

I think so.

In my heart of hearts I know I struggle with wanting him to compliment everything I do.  And by golly, those compliments better be excessive and heart felt or I will be dissatisfied.


How ugly.  How incredibly ugly of me!

Editor's (me) note:  All of this is not to say my husband never compliments or adores my work!  It is quite the contrary.  He is my biggest fan, and I never doubt it. He thinks my "art work" is worthy of being sold, my singing voice is lovely, & that I am an amazing athlete.... Haha! I am just struggling with doing all my "chores" with the wrong heart/mindset.  I want to serve my husband as an outpour of my genuine love... not for the prize of his applaud. I want to serve because I simply LOVE loving! 

While I do believe it is okay for us as humans to need encouragement, to thrive on being built up... I also think there is beauty in doing good because you love.  Simply love.

I want to make a meal for my husband, wash his clothes, make his side of the bed, and compliment him because I LOVE him, because I adore him! 

If Jesus himself were to come stay at our house for a week, I think I would want to serve Him as I do my husband.... and never, never, never be offended if He doesn't say "thanks." If Jesus offered to do the dishes, I would absolutely NOT allow!  (Unless he was able to do some supernatural, super quick wash. Then yes, sure.)

Why?  Because I honor Jesus. I respect His work.  I trust and know His days are full of serving others.  I would want to treat Him as the King He absolutely is!  I would want Him to feel so honored, loved, adored, respected in my kitchen!

Not that I want Josh to become my God.... But, I do want my husband to feel like a king in his household.  I want him to feel honored by my love of service.  I want him to FEEL respected by the diligent work I put into our house.  I want him to never feel guilty when he lays his head down because he thinks he didn't do enough for me.  I trust he is working so hard every day.  I know my husband is always being intentional in the work he does.  I want him to come home and feel like he can let down, not feel judged by me, and enter into a place drenched in God's peace.

I will not be perfect in this.  But, I will try.  I will dive into the role as "wife" with complete seriousness.   I am honored to be Joshua Tilford's wife. I am so glad he chose me. So blessed that God put us kindred spirits together. I will strive to honor our God in how I honor my husband.

"...I urge to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love." Ephesians 4:1

"...fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control."  Galations 5:22

"Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation."  Philippians 2:14

"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men..." Colossians 3:25

May the pure Love of Jesus reign in my heart, in my marriage, in my actions, and in my heart of hearts.