I have been thinking of a blog post to end 2015 for weeks
now. In fact, I have written up many different posts on many different topics
from this past year. However, I write them out in my head & they never
quite make it to “paper.”
This past year has been a lot. There is not one single word I can
pick to summarize the year…
“Blessed” Ah, yes. Yes, we have been abundantly blessed
& taken care of. One
definition of the word blessed is “of or enjoying happiness” & this year
was not full of that. However, happiness did happened. We laughed a lot.
Countless meals with countless beloved friends happened in our home. We
adventured in the woods behind our home with our little babes, family, &
friends. We watched many sunrises & sunsets from beautiful locations. We watched
our daughter take her first wobbly steps & learn to sleep through the
night. We celebrated birthdays, anniversaries, & watched episodes of shows
we love on Netflix. We celebrated our boy turning three at the beach with family. We logged many miles behind our double stroller on trails
& city sidewalks. We launched a photography business. We volunteered at many races, camera or kiddos in hand,
& loved getting to know the running community in Chattanooga. We began a
Community Group through our church in our home & have truly loved every
second of that. We bought our first home. We made new friends & continued
growing sweet relationships with old friends. So. Happiness, it happened. A
lot. More than I can track!
Perhaps “challenging” is the word I’m looking for… Yes, yes,
& yes again. This year has felt overwhelmingly challenging. I am not
exaggerating when I say there wasn’t a single week that went by in which
something “hard” did not happen to us. And you know, I’ve really struggled with
sharing some of these “hard” things in fear of sounding like a broken record or
whiny or ungrateful. Years ago a friend encouraged me that what’s hard for you
is hard for you. I am still learning to be okay with what challenges me may be
a piece of cake to someone else; and, learning to not judge someone else for
struggling through something I see as easy. It’s not fair to expect others to
respond to situations as you would or how you think they should. That being
said, I confidently & unapologetically say- This year has been extremely
hard & challenging for us.
We moved into our first home & within a
month of moving in things started going wrong that were beyond our skill set,
beyond our bank account, & beyond our emotional limitations. From giant oak
trees falling & crushing our neighbors roof to an invasion of pesky animals that cost us thousands of dollars to get rid of. We had three different occasions of
robbers. One was on Josh’s birthday & they stole all our electronics (stealing the said photography business) &
completely disheveled our belongings, which was SO disturbing to see! Another
was one where Josh interrupted the young man & stood face to face with him
outside our home. It was intense & terrifying & led to a court date,
which just broke our hearts for this young man. We went over 12 MONTHS without
a single night of good sleep because our sweet baby girl just wouldn’t sleep.
Depression & anxiety crept in because of that in ways I have never
experienced. Suicidal thoughts to daydreams about getting in an accident that
would land me in the ICU so I could just get some rest were normal lines of
thoughts Josh & I talked, cried, & prayed through together. We worked through relational strife with friends that was difficult & extremely disheartening.
The weight of everything that
felt so hard challenged our marriage. I can remember when we were first married
& pregnant & Josh was waiting tables & feeling so drowned by it all
& wishing we could go back in time to our charmed dating life. There is a
romance about dating that dissolves when you really begin to face hardship
together. You no longer get to run away to the other person & escape
sorrows because that person you used to run away with also holds the exact same
sorrows. So, we would sit across the table both fighting back tears, both knots
in our stomach, both with shaking hands, both with ugly thoughts, both knowing
our financial situation, both of us fully aware of the things spinning out of control
in our world… while we have weathered these feelings before when we were
newlyweds it was still just plain hard to be back in that position again. A beautiful part of marriage in the challenging times is that usually when one person is down the other is up & has the strength & patience to help carry the other one. We did this dance a lot. But we also just wept together a lot.
“Choose joy” was our mantra. While it was challenging for our marriage it was
certainly refining & certainly humbling. I was constantly reminded to not
look to Josh as my god, to not look to him to save the situation but to look to
Christ.
I think we could write a book on the bizarre things that
happened in our home this past year… this is where Josh would chime in &
say, “it’s not that bizarre things happened. We live in an old house that backs
up to the woods on a mountainside. It’s bizarre that things kept happening.”
Truth. At one point we kept track & we almost made it to 40 weeks where
something happened every two days. It was exhausting.
So, to say the year was overall “challenging” just isn’t
right either. Because, mixed in with those challenges was so much support.
Let’s try that word on for size.
“Supported” is a word I am so thankful to truly have woven
into the craze of 2016. There were definitely times that lingered longer than I
would have liked in which I felt completely alone in it all. It’s probably a
good thing to feel alone at times because then when people show up or call or
listen it makes it that much sweeter. Also, it grows you to empathize with
others on a deeper level & think of ways to shed light in other's darkness.
We had support at our fingertips at all times. I’ll probably never know the
beauty it is to proclaim that.
Our parents, from day one out of the womb, have
loved & supported us. A whole book could be written on the ways our parents
lavish love upon our family without hesitation & with zero strings
attached. They always show up. They always care. They sure have set the bar high on what it is to give sacrificially & reveal Jesus.
We made new friends who happen to live just down the street
from us who showed up after burglaries, helped cut up fallen trees, saved our
home from blowing up, loved & played with our kids, invited us to join in
& help with their non-profit, welcomed us into their home for meals, ate at
our table, adventured with us on the trails behind our homes, & SO much
more in between.
We have a friend back in Texas who has loved us with such a
genuine & sincere & fierce & encouraging love since our marriage
began. She truly showed up for us in the months of Josh being
under-employed & me being so
sick when pregnant with Asher. I will never forget the times she showed up with
grocery sacks in hand to fill our fridge. She makes an effort to come & see
us & really dive into our world. When I think of the friend I want to be to
others, I look so much to how she is a friend to me. Through really fun times
& really, really hard times she has been right beside us. This past year
was no different. She is one of a kind, indeed.
We got to launch a Community Group in 2016 through our
church, Sojourn, & it was food to our souls. To have people gather in our
home, share Jesus, share food, volunteer together, cry, pray, laugh… LOTS of
laughing, & just be together was so very encouraging.
A lovely woman asked me to mentor her & I, excitedly,
took on the role. This woman has turned into a very close friend &
basically part of our family. She gave us countless date nights, even when we
weren’t able to pay. She has let me air our stresses, dreams, sighs, & whatnot
when I was supposed to be mentoring her… I am grateful she didn’t grow weary of
our ever-evolving troubles, because we really did need her this past year. Her
presence & love for our kids was one of the best gifts 2016 had wrapped up
in it.
Family, friends, & the kindness of strangers really
helped hold this year together. We had meals dropped off & once a friend
went grocery shopping for me when we were all sick & out of food! We had
flowers & edible arrangements sent to our door from friends who live far
away. It all helped, more than you know… more than I can articulate.
When I wrote up this little post in my head I told myself
not to name-drop in this little section for fear of leaving someone out &
making them feel like I don’t appreciate them. But, then I just couldn’t help
but take the time to really highlight beautiful souls who helped carry our
weary ones this past year. It meant more than I can type up on my little
computer.
I am grateful for the intense moments of loneliness that
felt so dominating & felt like they may just break me… because now, when I
see a Mama who is fighting back tears because her baby isn’t sleeping, I feel
for her. I feel deeply for her & know how incredibly hard that can be. If I
wasn’t alone in those hours of the night, I may write her off as hormonal &
tell her to let the baby cry it out. That’s an easy & ignorant response... please, don't ever feed that crap to a mother drowning in the colic & sleep deprivation.
While I am grateful for the loneliness felt, I am equally grateful for the
times dear friends & family showed up. You helped carry us. We could not
have done 2015 alone. Even comments on Facebook posts, thank you.
So. Blessed, challenged, & supported. Blesslengedported.
Yes! That’s exactly the word I was looking for.
2015 was one for the books! We surely felt so, very
blesslengedported.
Here's to 2016- the good times to come, the challenges that we will surely face, the friendships yet to be made, the confrontations, the long nights, the meals together, long runs & hikes & swims & rides & climbs, the road trips, the sunrises & sunsets... We are more than ready for you!
And mostly, here's to His mercies that are new every single morning that refresh our souls & minds to adapt to whatever may come our way.
