"You should know, little baby, that I am the lucky one."
Thanks to Spotify, I came across JJ Heller's new album "I Dream of You" which is twelve sweet songs for her babies. Needless to say, I cannot stop listening. The lyrics are simple. They paint perfect pictures through words.
We sing a lot for Asher. We sang over him before he was born. We sang songs of praise & comfort as he was colicky & teething. Now, he sings with us & it is so fun. If he wakes up in the middle of the night, I have a little lullaby that I "wrote" for him & sing to him. Physical touch, accompanied by words of the heart are very powerful & intimate. I bask in these moments of holding, lullabies & off-key singing.
In the beginning of this parenting gig, I let Josh take the lead on that because my husband has an incredible voice. (however, I am much better with lyrics than he. We make a great team in this life! That's for sure.) One of the first things I was asked when meeting his family was if I sang or played an instrument. Nope & nope.
I grew up playing in-line hockey, basketball, running around a track, chanting in a cute uniform on the sidelines of games, & vaulting over crossbars…. never touched an instrument or sang outside of worship settings. Which obviously concludes that I have no natural ability to sing or play music, it would have to be worked for.
Josh's family did the sports thing, accompanied with toning their musical gifts. I am definitely the black sheep when it comes to sharing in this realm. (thanks for still marrying me, Joshy.)
Okay, that being said… I felt very insecure singing over my baby if anyone was within earshot. I felt insecure in worship services that weren't loud & booming & my voice could be heard by my neighbor.
Which is silly & very revealing of my heart in those moments…. more concerned about what others are thinking than soothing my son or praising our Jesus.
My son doesn't know about rhythm, harmonies, or keys. Nor does he care. He loves me holding him tenderly & tightly, rocking back & forth, & soothing him with words of love & peace. That's what matters to him. That I would hear his cry & be attentive.
God also doesn't care if my voice is shaky, too loud, too quiet, or unharmonized. He loves me worshiping Him, plain & simple.
This morning, I was heating up water for Asher's oatmeal listening to the sweet songs by JJ Heller feeling SO envious of her beautiful voice. I mean, sinning ugly as I cut up strawberries. And, to some level feeling "not enough" for my children.
SUCH lies. How dare I let those lies crawl in & ruin such sweet moments with my babies.
There was a three month period or so when Asher was a newborn that he cried & cried & cried, what felt like, non-stop throughout the nights. My sanity was being drowned with each little baby tear he cried. (which doesn't even make sense, newborns don't shed tears.) My mom invited us to stay the weekend & said she would get up with him at night so I could rest. (moms are the best.)
At one point during the night, I stood outside the door as my mom was rocking him back & forth singing a song I knew from my childhood… "blue skies & rainbows & sunbeams from heaven are what I can see when my Lord is living in me. I know that Jesus is well & alive today. He makes his home in my heart…." The tone was wrong & rhythm lacking. It was perfectly imperfect. Her love radiated & stilled the unsettledness in my son's little body. That same voice singing over my son was the same voice that sang over my brothers & me. Never do I look back on my childhood & feel unloved because her voice wasn't on key; rather, I feel immensely drenched in authentic love by both of my parents. Imperfect love (they are human parents). But, authentic, rich, & unconditional love.
So, this morning…. dicing up strawberries, just like Asher likes, all these thoughts jumbled & I wanted to get them out. I am not enough for Asher or Saige. Josh's perfect voice & guitar & piano skills are not enough. Everything we do for them, even if we are really good at it, will be flawed.
It's not about my lack of singing ability. It never was.
My heart. Oh, Jesus. Renew my heart to just love. To show my son what forgiveness means even when it isn't just. Help me to teach him to speak words of love over his friends & not gossip. Renew me. Help me to be patient when the whole day is falling apart, so that he may learn it's okay for things to go wrong & still have a peace. Stir my heart to give thanks in all moments, aloud, so he learns to pray to You throughout his days… prayers of gratitude. Help me. Instill in me that it's more than okay to not have a beautiful voice, but to sing beautiful words to You; that my children would have that truth instilled in them, as well. I am so desperate for more of You & less of me. So desperate for my children to know Your voice over my own.
If my biggest concern, without clarity, while cutting up strawberries is that my voice sounds nothing like the professional & lovely JJ Heller, then I am a world of mess.
If your biggest concern is that you aren't ____ like ____, then you, too, are a world of mess.
Your true voice, a pure stream from your heart of hearts, is enough. You. Right where you are. Right now. Enough! Nothing added or taken away. And, that has nothing to do with anything you can do or did do or plan to do… it has everything to do with what Jesus has done.
"It is finished."
John 19:30
I am who God chose to mother these children. He gifted me with them. And, with no regards to sounding vain, he chose to gift them with me. He knew about my lacking musical skills & still gave me Asher & Saige. They don't need a song sang perfectly over them, they just need God's song of love. You know?
I encourage you….whatever your shortcoming is, know that God is bigger. Trust that YOU are not the one to heal their hearts- God is. YOU are not the one to guide them- the Holy Spirit is. YOU will not & cannot save their world- the cross & empty tomb already did. Teach them about Jesus, what He did for you & me & them on the cross & their world will be saved.
And, I totally encourage you to check out that album of lullabies. They are pure sweetness to the soul.
My off-key love song is enough; but only because the love song sings of Jesus… and He. He is enough.
