The past couple of weeks have been go, go, go in our world.
I went to Texas for three weeks... to say goodbye to my Grandfather, which was so bittersweet. He's in Paradise. With his bride. With Jesus. The Truth in that isn't hard to swallow. The fact that I will probably never walk through their house again, have a Thanksgiving meal there, swim in the pool, or sleep on pallets in the living room surrounded by my cousins are cherished memories that are forever that-- memories. That's bitter & hard for me to swallow. Those days were my childhood. My favorites. The best. I will miss pulling out of that drive-way as my grandparents would, with arms around one another, wave goodbye... would wave "see you later!". What sweet days. I am so blessed to have those memories etched into my heart. I will miss him... and today, I will praise Jesus for the mercy He shows us as we GET TO enter Heaven's Gates at the end of this broken life.
A couple of weeks before Dedaddy entered Jesus' arms, so did my little nephew, Barrett. This wasn't so "bittersweet." Just bitter, and really hard to taste the sweet in it. My heart aches for my brother & sister-in-law. And, clings to the Truth that Jesus holds Barrett. And we will see him again one day. And he will be perfect, whole, thriving, & glorious. I don't really know how Heaven works... But, it gives my heart so much peace to think of Gremommy, who went Home last February, holding Barrett as she held all of us years ago.
There's a song called, "Heaven Song" by Phil Wickham. It plays in my house at least 10 times a day. It's been the perfect melody for my little heart in this season where Heaven seems so near, as it holds some very, very special loved ones... and yet, seems so far. You should give it a listen.
"I hear Your voice and I catch my breath
Well done my child enter in, in rest
As tears of joy roll down my cheek
It’s beautiful beyond my wildest dreams"
Can you imagine the day? The celebration. The joy. The reunion. THE union!? The perfection. Entering a world with NO pain... where there will be no room for anxiety, worry, pain, fear. Just perfection. Oh, I hold fast to that promise.
One day. I love singing about Heaven. I live for it on Sunday mornings when we sing with brothers & sisters to God Almighty. It stirs my heart like no other, stirs my affections for Jesus to come.
When Gremommy passed, we sang the song "All My Tears" at church & it was oil for my aching heart. So perfect. To this day this song, these words, the Truth in them makes my heart feel like it will beat right out of my chest! I love it.
"When I die, don't cry for me
In my Father's arms, I'll be
And wounds this world left on my soul
Will all be healed and I'll be whole
Sun and moon will be replaced
With the light of Jesus' face
And I will be not be ashamed
For my Savior knows my name
It don't matter where you bury me
I'll be home and I'll be free
It don't matter where I lay
All my tears, be washed away"
The following weekend in Texas I ventured to Marble Falls for a Hope Mommies Retreat. Around 35 women gathered from all over the U.S. to share their stories, seek the face of God, find comfort, relate, mourn, rejoice in the Truth of the Gospel, & be authentic with sisters who shared their path... a path no Mama should ever, ever have to walk down-- one of carrying a sweet baby only to go straight to the arms of Jesus instead of straight to her arms.
I went there to serve these ladies. To love them. To listen. To pray for their hearts fervently all weekend. And, I did... But more so, these courageous women served my heart. I watched them raise their empty Mama arms in songs of worship. I watched them pour out their hearts to sisters they had just met about their deepest aches. I watched them laugh & eyes be filled with hope as they related to one another. I watched these precious women reflect Jesus, and it changed me. I left the weekend without any words. Many of them women shared their baby albums. Some albums started when they found out they were pregnant-- so, from weekly pictures, baby showers, & nurseries only to turn the page to one of just words... sharing about the death of their child. They shared memorabilia... baby blankets handmade by Grandmothers, tiny pearl bracelets that their daughter wore for short hours, & pictures from the memorial service. I walked away from the weekend feeling as though I had been to 35 funerals for babies. Nobody in the world should attend a funeral for a baby, & certainly never have to put one together.
I'm sitting in a coffee shop, with tears streaming, & holding back the urge to flip over this table because it truly makes me so angry that this happens. My sisters who have pushed onto this nightmare of a path, I love you so much. You are so very dear to me. You are courageous. You are a warrior of a Mama. And, I cannot wait to meet your babies one day, kiss their foreheads.... their stories have changed my entire life.
That weekend we sang a song that has yet to be recorded by Sandra McCracken, & my goodness... the lyrics, the truth, are just perfection.
"We will feast in the house of Zion
We will sing with our hearts restored
"He has done great things,"
we will say together
We will feast and weep no more"
Amen.
This morning, I sat down in a coffee shop to have some much needed alone time. (THANK YOU, JOSHY) I did not sit down this morning thinking I wanted to write on life & death & heaven. But, here I am... hands shaking, tears flowing, & heart throbbing... sharing some moments & thoughts that warped me over the past couple of months. Truly, I did not intend to. Even now, there's so much more to really be shared on these topics that my heart aches for & rejoices in; so, I hesitate to push "save" & move on from this. I will never move on from the memory of sitting next to Dedaddy's hospital bed, just him & me, & reading to him Romans 8. Or, the phone call from my sister-in-law saying that Barrett's heart had stopped beating at the end of her third trimester. I will never be able to let go of or rightfully convey the weekend I shared with Hope Moms in Marble Falls, Texas.
Nor do I want to. It's the hard moments, the ones that punch you in the gut, shake the core of your being that work out the strength in you... reveal true colors... they break you, or just bend you.
And, I truly believe... because of Jesus in me, these hard moments bent me. They did not break me. And, they were hard. They were ugly. Only Jesus. ONLY JESUS can make the ugly beautiful. He is. And, has. And will continue to.
My husband quotes this verse often. And, I cling to it...often.
"I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”
John 16:33
