Wanting Heaven Today & Jesus Tomorrow.

My soul longs for this... I mean, really YEARNS.  The deepest part of me craves this.  This place, I desire on the best of days & on the worst of them.  

There are moments where I feel as though the taste of Heaven is here on earth.  Moments of being out on a trail, with huge trees & their leaves being a blanket of safety.
Feeling a baby move in my womb is nothing short of the most unique joy here... it's unexplainable how that little flutter within is pure joy throughout.
Moments around a table with family.  Heavenly.
Jumping into water, that is not too hot & not too cold.
Laughing with my husband. Kissing him.
Worship... the kind of worship that tunes your heart IN, while tuning the rest of the world out.  Worship where you feel the presence of God, as if you are already among angels in His House.

This list goes on... there are moments here where I feel like the Heaven I dream about is sprinkled around us.  

A blog I read recently talked about her craving for Heaven... to enter the gates & immediately hold, hug, & kiss her little boy that was taken hours after he was born.  She craved him. She admitted her sinful desires of longing for her boy, instead of longing to hug, hold, & kiss the hands & feet of Jesus.

Working with Hope Mommies I now read a lot of these blogs, these heart breaking stories about the most precious of souls called Home before their Mamas.  I get their emails about prayer request, read their stories & weep with them.  I want Jesus to come quickly so they can hold their babies again, lively & perfect.  


I beg for Jesus to come back so hearts will be repaired.
I beg for Jesus to come back because this earth is so flawed & sometimes I have NO CLUE how to live out His Gospel here.
I want Heaven because I am tired of trying to eat organically all the time because the FDA is full of shit & half of the food in grocery stores is fueled by cancer causing chemicals.
I want Heaven because... I miss my Gremommy. I want to ask her how to host Thanksgiving without being frazzled & on edge.
I want Heaven because there are Mamas who fill up bottles of water from puddles on the street to feed their babies. And I hate that. I am mad at that. It's not fair.
I long for Jesus to come back because this war is killing innocent souls... his children are killing each other. Please, Jesus. Come. 
I beg for Jesus to come back because there is a cousin of mine in Heaven named Kimberly, who my strong Mother cannot talk about without weeping. I want to meet her.
I want Heaven because I KNOW corporate America is so far away from how God desired this world to be.... It's sickening & christians are among the ones fueling the very heart of it.
I beg for Jesus to come back because I think money is stupid & I don't know why we don't practice a true barter system.
I want Jesus here because sex trafficking makes my heart sink, & I know it does Jesus' too. 
I long for Heaven because people are addicted to drugs, sex, & alcohol & it is RUINING sweet families.

This list goes on... There are hundreds of reasons why I want Heaven SO badly.  My heart truly aches for it, on the good days & bad. 

Admittedly... I confess my heart desiring heaven is a long list of everything but... Jesus. God Almighty.  I want His ways. I want His perfection.  I want Him to clean the slate.  But, I am not dreaming of running to His arms... kissing his feet, holding the hands that were nailed to a cross for me!

God. Search my heart. Open the eyes of my dreaming, yearning heart to see YOU.  To long not just for your ways, but for YOU.  
(((Psalm 139:23)))

As I long for You, trusting you will guide me Home to you... I will cling also to 1 Corinthians 2:9:

"No eye has seen,

no ear has heard,

no mind has conceived

what God has prepared for those

who love him."  

While I sit here & dream of what Heaven will be like... the most lovely worship, no dirty puddles for drinking water, pure peace, Mommies holding their babies that went before them, bodies running free & without handicap, perfect streams with no pollution, .... just perfection....

There is a Heaven that is beyond my understanding, that is beyond my ideas, that is even beyond what I dream of...  

So. You, Jesus... may I just dream  & long for You, trusting Heaven is waiting, perfectly, for us who love you.

mom said, allow days like this.

Look at me, blogging like it's my day job!

It has been quite some time since a day like today came along.   Today's day is long, uninspiring, dull, & just a day where every small task seems like a HUGE chore.  I drudge through days like this.  However, the further into mommyhood I go, the rarity of these days.  (It is a huge transition from just taking care of yourself & husband to a baby who HAS TO have you.  Do not EVER underestimate this transition. Give grace. Take grace. Be grace to those Mommies. Perhaps offer to hold their baby for an hour so they can take a shower or nap. Really. One hour. Do it.  If they say no, ask 10 more times.)

But today, she snuck up on me & robbed me of any productivity.
Who am I kidding... It's is not the day's fault, as if she is some living, breathing entity.  My tired & weary person is robbing myself of today.

Sigh.  I am tired to the core. Hence the "staycation" we have going on.  Both of us are just... worn down.

Do not get me wrong... I have laughed, played, & cared for my little boy to the best of my ability.  I really do make the mental, physical, & emotional effort to still pour my soul into him even when the day my spirit is dragging along.

Today Ash & I walked to what Josh & I call "the circuit."  It has stations with chin up bars, jumping boxes, rings, parallel bars, etc. to work out on, & a grassy area in the middle that I thought Ash would enjoy.  He did. And I loved being a part of his pure & simple joy.  He does this thing that tugs at my heart like none other.  When walking up or down something he is unfamiliar with, a hill or odd shaped stairs, without looking he will reach his little hands up, searching for my hands to guide him, & then clings on as tightly as he can, trusting that my hands will guide his feeble & unsure steps.  I tear up every single time.  I love that boy.  I love being his Mama.  I love those sweet, dirty little hands reaching up for mine... trusting they will be there.

So, despite the weight that has haunted me all day, there have been definite moments that tasted like my Granny's pecan pie (the BEST pie.).  Not kidding.  My life is truly so, so sweet.

Sometimes it is just hard to be motivated, especially when it is for the redundant, day to day occurrences.  It is hard to day in & day out find the energy to redo what I did just one, two days ago-- washing clothes, folding clothes, washing dishes, putting away dishes, organizing things Asher unorganized, making dinner, cleaning up dinner, grocery shopping... I am so blessed. so blessed. to call this my life.  I hope you hear my underlying joy that my heart really does proclaim.  But. There are days that it is just... blah.  

I did not get many "chores" done today.  The sink is full. Dinner is not prepared.  There is a load in the wash! But. Just sitting there. in the wash. Recycle is sitting in the corner, staring at me. My floors are not swept.  Oh, the bed is made!

Today is not 100% unsuccessful... I got to love my little boy. hold him. feed him. change him. laugh with him, & at him.  sing to him. read to him.  watch him explore.  soothe him.  tell him "no" & "great job!".

Which... if I had to weigh both of those lists: Asher > House.

My mom told me, "those dishes will be there tomorrow, but your kids will not always be."  (Says the woman who somehow ALWAYS has a clean, sparkling sink, dinner made, leftovers for tomorrow, baked goods, clean sheets on every bed, & make up on.)
Ah. Some day.... But. Not today... and, that is OKAY.

staycation.

The weekend came & went way too quickly.  Does it ever drag on?

Our night of camping out was a dream!  I had made us sushi to eat that night & it was delicious. Yes, sushi while camping... oxymoron?  We woke up slowly & slowly got ready for our trail run.  The Cumberland Trail is super overgrown & messy in spots, so the run was very "hostile" as Josh put it.  We got back to our campsite with bloody legs, & lots of chigger bites from the tall grass.  I have NEVER, in my whole life of running, been one to be clumsy & fall... however, this trail is now notorious for my tumbles. 

Saturday afternoon we went to Foster Falls with the Loizeaux brothers to get some footage, for their awesome clothing line that they started: Luwazo.   We will be the adorable family of three hiking in their promo video. Too cool!

Sunday we slept in (8 am in sleeping in when you have a baby.) & then did all things Asher.  We walked downtown & let him just run around, eating acorns & stuff.  We then saw Born to be Wild in 3D, & Asher did surprisingly well... ate a whole thing of strawberries, & drank 8 ounces of coconut water kind of well. ;) Then we strolled over to the Creative Discovery Museum to show Dad what it was all about.  Ash fell asleep on the walk home, & continued that nap for another 2 hours. It was a busy/fun/relaxing day! 

We have decided to do a week long "staycation" that started yesterday.  Which really just means we are being protective & sensitive to spending time as just a family of three this week. No community group, no church, no dinners with friends, etc.  I am also still "unplugged" from social media, minus this blog which really gets no views unless I publicize it via Facebook.
It really has helped me to make sure & be intentional with responding to texts or phone calls instead of putting them aside for after I view my Instagram feed.

Josh & I had a long heart to heart last night about what it looks like to really live the Gospel out in today's world.  There were many tears, & frustrations aired as we both are so desperate to really live. To really reveal Jesus. To be His hands & feet.  To be anything but "ordinary" for the sake of Jesus' name.  We feel so held hostage by student loans. .......this should be a post of it's own. and, it has to as my child cries for my attention.

Happy Staycation week!

gratitude/trails/asher-free

I am not quite sure how much time I have to spill some thoughts... You see, any minute now Asher's Chattanooga Grandma, Doddy, will be knocking at the door to retrieve our son for an overnight stay!

This is our first night together without Little Man being a few feet away from one of us.  

I feel giddy, like it's our first date all over again!

While writing this, Doddy came & left with the Boo Bear. I waved & blew kisses until they drove out of view.

My two guys.  One a man & one very much a child.  I am SO in love, so in awe of God's creation, & so overwhelmed that I get to do this life with them in my arms. 

Josh is still at work; & really, I should be packing up our stuff so we can jet as soon as he gets home! We are going camping/backpacking on the Cumberland trail tonight! But... I am sitting & kind of enjoying the solitude of our home.  The baby monitor is humming nothing loudly, & I know there will not be a loud cry at any given moment, begging for my presence.

In three weeks Josh & I are doing an 11 mile trail run that we have been training for.  With such a busy schedule lately we have slacked a little on the consistent running part of training, though. (AKA, there really hasn't been much "training." Just a few 5 milers here, & a long 8-10 miler once a week.  Which, I guess, may actually be the perfect amount.  Maybe I have just missed the consistency is what this really comes down to.) 
So, tomorrow morning, God willing, we will wake up & run as long as we want, without Asher dictating the mileage.

My heart is full of gratitude. (And, I do feel a tad anxious right now in my heart of hearts, as my sweet little boy drove rode away for his first overnighter without Mama or Dadada.  The love I have for him makes me physically ache.  It's beyond description.  It's deep within my bones.  It's every breath I take.)

I am thankful for a lovely woman who has fallen in love with our son, too, enough to call herself his "Grandma" & take him for a night!  Grateful for a dear friend who shared her wealth of gold (Mom's milk) so that Asher can still have his two feedings away from me.  (I don't pump well, therefore I have no extra milk gold in our freezer.)  I am grateful for a husband who is my soulmate, lover, best friend, running partner, encourager, & the hands & feet of Jesus to me.  I am grateful for endless trails to explore & the cold front that will meet us tonight.

I should go pack up.  :] 

the six week season

Truly.  I have written, in my head, SO many blogs in the past couple of weeks.  Usually these happen on runs, & I think, "I am actually going to write type this one out!".

 Buuuut, then the run is over. a shower is needed. Asher needs a snack.  the floor needs to be swept.  clothes are in the wash.  & some bills need to be paid.  So, the blog is never written typed.

Our house is still, with silly songs from Sesame Street playing.  It is motionless, besides Asher bebopping around.  There are chores whispering my name, but not really demanding me.  This is the first time in three weeks that guests from all over are not unpacked in the guest bedroom.  The past six weeks have been a season of their own. Can six weeks be a "season"?

(Note: we love having people here. We basically beg for it.  It is a ministry of it's own to host others in your home, & we really do love it.  So, this is not my complaint.  My heart was MORE than ecstatic to have a house full!) 

Six and a half weeks ago I ventured to Texas for about three weeks.  It was jam packed with family, Hope Mommies Leadership weekend in Houston, driving all over DFW to hug the necks of dear friends, Asher's first birthday party & being away from Josh majority of that time. (I am obsessed with him & love doing all things together, so yes...it was hard.)
Sometimes I look back on trips & regret not being more intentional with my time & conversations. However, this trip felt full of meaning & time well spent.  Which also means, a tad a draining... if we are all honest here. And, it's my blog. So, I'm honest here.

We came back to Tennessee with a car full as one of my very best friends, Amanda & her precious little girl came back with us (all the way from Hawaii!).   She stayed for about two weeks, & a week into that another dear friend from Texas came & stayed for a week.  Katie Craig is a friend that no matter how much time passes, we can pick right back up & toss around the imaginary frisbee.  (you won't get that joke.) We went on hikes, climbing, walked around downtown Chatty, explored the Farmer's Market, cooked yummy meals, & did it all with two babies in tow.
Amanda flew out, and hours later another friend flew in from Texas.  Lauren Mosley makes you feel like every joke you say is HILARIOUS.  It was a joy to have her laughter in our home.

Lauren flew out yesterday after another round of hikes, climbing, & walking all over downtown.
I came home from the airport to a quiet house, & a mind begging for quiet, too.

So, I have decided to "unplug" for a while.  I deleted Instagram & Facebook off of my phone, not sure for how long... I just feel like I need space from the "outside" world.  And, to just really focus on being in THIS moment. Resting in it.  Seeking God in it.
Ultimately, I know my heart is in need of being refreshed by the loveliness of my Creator.

I am not positive what that looks like yet.  I plan on starting & actually finishing a book.  Maybe I will actually finish knitting a scarf for Fall. Write Type up a blog everyday. Or maybe I will just spend quality time with just Ash & me during the day, & then with Josh in the evenings.

I feel like God is wanting to work on something particular in my heart?  I struggle to even leave that sentence there because I am afraid of sounding cliche.  But, really... I feel like He is just telling me to rest. and listen.

So, here is to a week...a month... or three months of just seeking & listening.  God, You are welcome here.  Invade my heart, my soul, my thoughts... renew me.