- Paolo Nutini
The past year as been full of transitions- single to dating, dating to married, married to family growing. Within any chapter of life, I always get to a point of wondering "how and when did I get here?" This morning, while working on consolidating mine and Josh's loans, calling loan carriers about bar exam loans, budgeting the next three months, and feeling so....grown up; my mind began to tip-toe back into moments of feeling "so...grown up." It can be tricky, you know. Running back into the past. So, I tip-toed, and delicately unravelled some of my favorite growing up moments.
My first memory of feeling stretched and grown was in the third grade. My mom received a job to teach at Wall Junior High School, fifteen minutes outside of San Angelo- a big deal in small town world. I had to leave all my super fun best friends at McGill Elementary and become a Wall Hawk. I was terrified and hated the very thought of making new friends. I thought, "this must be it, I am growing up and it means going into a whole new world. Alone. Friendless. And I bet the lunch rolls suck. (McGill was known for their amazing lunch rolls.)"
And, at Wall Elementary, I grew up. Not much. But, I made new friends who were, surprisingly, just as super fun as my old ones! In fact, made one of my life-long best friends who is like my very own sister.
Danica & me then.
And, us now!
Another real growing up moment was when I decided to switch high schools my freshman year. This was, yet again, a huge move after establishing amazing friendships over the previous six years. San Angelo Central High School is a 5A school, trumping in number of Wall High School ranked as an independent, 2A school. I was terrified, and not sure this was really the best decision. Yet, I felt so passionate and so grown up making the decision to change schools.
I ate lunch alone in the library the first three months at Central. I was always an extrovert, and the overwhelming number of people, buildings, and courses available to take pushed me into a shell.
By graduation night, I had made many great friends, fell more in love with Track & Field, and had been stretched so much, forced to grow- or remain eating alone in the library, pretending to be an over achiever.
Track would have ended by Sophomore year at Wall. So grateful for Central's track coaches.
Also so grateful for Sam Scheider who became one of my very best friends!
Applying for college, visiting colleges, writing college essays was a huge "aha, this is it. I am really growing up" moment. Moving into UNT's dorm, and my parents driving away was a very surreal moment. For once, I did not feel terrified, alone, and entering a new world.
(UNT wasn't completely full of mistakes- met another amazing forever friend, Kate! No. The onesies were not a counted mistake.)
I was confident, and felt so in charge of this chapter. This part of life could have it's own book. A lot of growing up took place here. But mostly, a lot of selfish, depressed, and numb living took place. I can remember thinking I was choosing freedom, making my own choices, and loving being "free"... This little part of life is one I would love to grab that over-confident Kellye and yell, "You are not growing. You are hurting you. Remain innocent. Quit being so full of fear and learn to trust the God you were raised worshiping. Seek God, Kellye. Find Him within You. Find Him in others. Just find Him. You are worth fighting for. Fight for yourself, Kellye. Feel it all, and be filled with peace and joy. You are better than this."
I thought I was really being a grown up.
The next "Yep, I am really making a grown up, wise choice here" marks my year spent out at Camp Eagle. Deciding to not go back to college did not scare me or intimidate future career ideas- college life was marked with mostly darkness, and heartache. It was easy to not go back home to. It seems as though most of my very grown up feeling moments took place when I was going against everything my parents and family advised. This has been an endless frustration for my Mom. She swears that I have always done the exact opposite of what she counseled me towards. Secretly, hard to admit, she is mostly right. However, if I had done all that she advised, and she advised with love and with pure intent for her daughter, I cannot imagine the me I would be. And, today... I do, I love me.
Those years- college to Camp Eagle, are years I "tip-toe" through. Careful to not awaken memories that are put to rest, and need to stay that way. Careful because I become very hard on myself thinking back on some really dumb decisions/choices. Careful because those years left me numb and very bitter because of circumstances, and very dark times. Careful mainly because I have been forgiven, and there is no need to enter back into the pity I felt for myself.
Camp Eagle is monumental in my life. Growing up, most certainly, took place here- beautifully so. It was here I did not just gain friendships, I gained brothers and sisters. I fell in love with the Lord in ways I did not know He could pull out of me. I learned to be honest, tell my story, and let go of shame that defined me. I learned to love and be loved- that I have a purpose, and it doesn't have to be rooted in a College degree.
Because of grace, Jesus' whispers, and God's love... I really did grow up here.
Our internship created in me a love for all of these people that will forever be favored!
Camp Eagle fueled my love for climbing rocks :]
Thanks to Camp Eagle, met my soul sister- Amanda, and sparked a love for triathlons/Xterra's.
Following Camp Eagle, was my decision to begin, again, and quit College, again. Which lead to beginning Cosmetology School. I am not passionate about hair, coloring, cutting, or up-dos- I am passionate about loving on others. Those eleven months of school, I grew in ways I never imagined. For once, I took hardship and trials, and allowed God to shape and encourage my heart, opposed to allowing satan to numb it.
In this phase, I never stopped to think about how grown up I felt. I just was. Not that I made perfect choices, or allowed a steadfast spirit to reign in my heart.... I just had learned to love mercy.
This was the end of 2010. From then to now, I never imaged I would be figuring out Bar Exam Loans?! I never went to Law School, or knew the extent of expenses for the Bar Exam- but now, I have a HUSBAND who has... and this is so much apart of my life, my heart. Oh, and I am also growing this amazing man's baby! We are building life together. Growing together. Making mistakes, together! Loving, seeking, worshipping God together!
So, I sit here today and wonder "How and when did I get here?! Is this being a real-life grown up? Am I making good decisions? How do you even take out loans? Will we look back and smile on these years? Will we make it to our dream world of living overseas? How much more growing will be taking place?......etc."
To answer my own question, it took a lot of clumsy years, fickle movement, immature decisions, hurtful situations, dark days to be stretched all the way to here. It also took moments of pure victories, triumph over satan's lies, beautiful grace and mercy, pressing on, and really discovering the GREATNESS of God in little ol' me.
Within all of these memories are other memories of growth-- being allowed to ride my bike outside the neighborhood. Picking out my own outfit for school. Attending "big church" instead of Children's Hour. The hurt of not making cheerleader my sophomore year. Driving my first car off the used car lot, just to total it five days later. Closing the door of track & field. Working through the emotions and realness of being a rape victim. Struggling with depression and cutting. A best friend's suicide. Moving to Estes Park, Colorado. Finding God in nature. Working in a 'real' salon. Allowing my heart to open up, and really be loved.
& I am still growing. May I always be. I do not want to be a 'grown up.' I want to keep learning, loving, pressing through, diving in, making it through, embracing the present moment, and doing so without a hint of fear.
"When we are children we seldom think of the future. This innocence leaves us free to enjoy ourselves as few adults can. The day we fret about the future is the day we leave our childhood behind."
- J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan
"I tell you the truth, unless you turn from your sins and become like the little children, you will never get into the Kingdom of Heaven."
-Matthew 18:3
Let us grow, and never grow up.
